Before I fell in love with Twitter, I didn't even know that "stabby" was a feeling or even a word.

"Hey, I know everyone's stressed so let's keep this meeting short and to-the-point." - No one I've worked with ever

Throwing "whom" into sentences randomly does not make you sound smart. It makes you sound desperate and stupid. Learn the rule or abstain.

Don't hate me for all my retweets! I just like sharing the joy & humor I read. Is that so wrong?

That pathetic girl from that stupid Twilight movie ruins everything.

Of all the states in the Union, #NorthKorea should know not to mess with Texas. #whyaustin

Hey, Assholes who hit their wives. I want to cut your hands off with a rusty, dull saw.

Everyone's new favorite word: Gaysically.

I wish I had more nice pajamas and fewer places I've got to go.

How did it get to be 4pm? And August? And 2011?

Do these pajama bottoms make my ass look apathetic?

Love when folks on Hoarding & Clean House shows say: "I just don't like cleaning, doing laundry, doing dishes, etc." Well, duh.

My new theory is having half as many followers as folks you follow doesn't make me a loser.

Can't sleep. Could've been the Adderall. Or the coffee. Or the tea. Unclear.

What's up with the inspirational tweets from my normal Twitter assholes? Why can't we all just hate and laugh? Inspiration is not funny.

I bet the Romney family treats their house elves like shit.

#ADHD - Ran out of Adderall yesterday so don't blame me if I

If you're happy and you know it, post it on Facebook.

Hey, People with Kids, Stop Fucking Complaining! I didn't tell you to have kids. Plus, you have a built in excuse for everything. Shut up.

Dear person who invented 'The Week The Women Went,' I LOVE YOU.