I love being flirted with unless you're ugly because that's sexual harassment and I'm calling the cops.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

Hey Jesus. I can afford wine. How about you start turning water into gas?

Good people are an endangered species.

Look, bitch. If I really liked your boyfriend he'd be my boyfriend.

If you watch Narnia backwards, its a beautiful film about some gay kids that go through a lot of shit to come out of the closet.

"Its not you, its me!" - twins fighting over a picture.

Please make sure you've got it before you flaunt it.

This guy said 'I love you' to me the other day, and I was like 'OMG!! I love me too!'

Is it rude to yell 'TWITTER BREAK!!!' and pull out your phone when a real life convesation bores you?

The first rule of Asshole Club is join Twitter.

A second after I've tweeted something, I think of a million funnier ways to put it.

If someone from the future's reading this: this is how we used to waste our time in the past.

Sometimes the only way to save your heart is to destroy your liver.

I would love to run away from my problems, but that sounds like exercise.

If you're wondering what your girlfriend would look like as a blow-up doll, watch her put mascara on.

When someone calls me ugly, I go up to them, smile tenderly and hug them because I know life isn't easy when you have a seeing disability.

After months of intensive Twitter research, Ive reached the conclussion that people love vaginas and unicorns but reallly hate Nickelback...

This guy was all like 'You're emasculating me!'. So I replied 'Sorry, princess. Now go make me a sandwich.'

If you don't have anything nice to say, tweet it because it will get you a trophy.