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When you're missing someone and you can't do nothing about it 😞
Like your anaconda would ever be worthy of my buns anyway
Invite love into your life and it will come.
It may not be true love all the time, but it will cause you to live your life.
If someone pisses you off, grin and bear it. Release your pet bear. Grin.
If you didn't take your family to the pumpkin farm this weekend then get the hell off of Facebook.
Thank you to the 0.13% of you that read my tweets this weekend.
I like to pump the bass in my car so my seat vibrates.
What's it like to be middle aged?
I needed a pot of coffee to have enough energy to put the duvet cover on my blanket. Now I need a nap.
Whenever I take a ride down Memory Lane, I lock my doors and blow through all the red lights.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: It's not you it's me
Me: Last week meant nothing?
Moon: Look it was just a phase
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
"It doesn't matter if its a dog, it's still called a cat scan"
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
"There has to be a better way?"
If I was a pilot I'd say funny stuff to my wife like "wow this year has FLOWN by!" We'd laugh and laugh and she'd continue cheating on me.
Hell is just an assembly of all the old people in your life repeatedly asking you to show them how to download an attachment