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I will straight up murder you and your family if you use metal utensils in my $100.00 non stink pan.
I don't condone bad behavior, but I pray everyday that Walter takes a fat shit under my coworkers desk, and then he steps in it.
The most embarrassing text a human being can receive is, "Saw you dancing on Ellen!!!"
There is a direct correlation between how much you like ranch and how white you are
What I hate most about inspirational tweets is that I start reading them thinking that they are going to be funny
Basic bitch vocab: she's not even pretty
Basic bitch vocab: And then I was like
Basic bitch vocab: Like okaaaaayyyyyyy whatever then
Basic bitch vocab: No, that is so weird
Basic bitch problem #491: Deciding what lyrics to put on your selfie
My friend just put his beer in the fridge so it will be cold when he's done puking. This guy is a fucking pro
My whole life is a game of "sweatpants are all that fits me right now".
When I read a memoir, all I can think about is "Did this person have a disturbingly detailed diary or are they making some of this shit up?"
"You can always make a tweet more ridiculous" I say to the Chinese midget eating a diaper.
Toronto others as you would have them Toronto you.
Did you know that premature ejaculating can actually omg not again.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Imagine explaining to someone who lived through the Great Depression that there are people who buy followers on Twitter.
It's nice having boobs because then you're never bored.