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Pro Tip: Tuck the tips of ur ears into ur wide-brim hat to let people know that you'll try to fight them if they accidentally bump into you!
me: so, what do you do
her: im a murderer
me: [remembering my one rule that i shouldn't date murderers] ahh dang im sorry we cant do this
you guys ever sit on your hand until it goes numb and then jerk- [mom walks in] open your science book to learn why
That table cloth trick but I'm pulling a pizza out of it's box without opening it.
Who's your favorite singer/songwriter?
Some guy trying to apply as a bouncer at my bar just handed me a resume lol. What am I supposed to do with this? Give me your highlight reel
The moment I first saw my wife, I knew she was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life disappointing.
The Vultures of society always watching & waiting.
Who knew a vibrator could crack your teeth.
Jesus, that all came out of nowhere.
He really was the littlest giant ever.
When I was 16 a guy about 40 was trying to fight me. He was 6'4" and built like a tank.
Dad 5'5" stepped between us and stared him down
He never was a man of many words, he didn't need to be.
The energy he emitted told you all you needed to know
He was happy if we were happy
I'm just so glad there was nothing left unsaid between us.
I knew he loved me and he knew he was my hero
Love you Dad
That last day I visited him in hospital I knew in my bones he wasn't going to make it.
We shared a look that we both knew it was the end.
I might not remember your name, but I'll remember you're a dickhead.
Solution to farmer's tan, walk around all day with only sleeves on
Which one of you cd binders wants to take me on a road trip?
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