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That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, "my shirt smells like you" & you misspell shirt
I couldn't open a jar of pickles so to keep my man card, I smashed it against my face & ate the glass
Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the "body of Christ" right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off
I'm at the bar & I'm trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I would NEVER raise my hand to a woman, unless it was to give her a high five after sex
This salad is delicious because it's doritos
Ill trade you 50 followers who don't star, retweet or interact for 1 who does
My Native American name is Friend Zone
Just did that thing again where I rock out and air guitar while I yawn and a pretty girl sees me and thinks I'm handicapped
Can the 5 people who star all my tweets, just promise right now to never do anything dangerous for the rest of their lives?
If you want your girl to go from a little upset to a lot upset, just politely tell her to calm down
I retweet because I believe some tweets deserve a bigger audience
I asked a girl out & she said no, so I kept it crispy by moonwalking away but I tripped, so I kept it crispy by turning it into a breakdance
Even though that dude said "No Homo" before kissing me, I still feel weird about it
I can't figure out a way to start a fight club without talking about it. Should I just start punching people?
Sometimes dudes just nod at each other. We don't really know what it means, but it feels right
The "If you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best" quote is the national anthem of all crazy girls
I took your 'Tweet Like No One Is Following' advice and now no one is following me
Ok seriously. How long are we gonna have to wait for Mambo #6?
I've been single for so long that I've forgotten what a sandwich tastes like