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I'm at the bar & I'm trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, "my shirt smells like you" & you misspell shirt
I couldn't open a jar of pickles so to keep my man card, I smashed it against my face & ate the glass
Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the "body of Christ" right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off
I would NEVER raise my hand to a woman, unless it was to give her a high five after sex
This salad is delicious because it's doritos
Ill trade you 50 followers who don't star, retweet or interact for 1 who does
My Native American name is Friend Zone
Just did that thing again where I rock out and air guitar while I yawn and a pretty girl sees me and thinks I'm handicapped
"Bro. We're out of protein powder bro"
"Aw no whey bro."
Can the 5 people who star all my tweets, just promise right now to never do anything dangerous for the rest of their lives?
I retweet because I believe some tweets deserve a bigger audience
If you want your girl to go from a little upset to a lot upset, just politely tell her to calm down
I asked a girl out & she said no, so I kept it crispy by moonwalking away but I tripped, so I kept it crispy by turning it into a breakdance
Even though that dude said "No Homo" before kissing me, I still feel weird about it
Sometimes dudes just nod at each other. We don't really know what it means, but it feels right
I can't figure out a way to start a fight club without talking about it. Should I just start punching people?
The "If you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best" quote is the national anthem of all crazy girls
I took your 'Tweet Like No One Is Following' advice and now no one is following me
Ok seriously. How long are we gonna have to wait for Mambo #6?