Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Women know in seconds if they want to marry, fuck or kill a guy.

The trooper asked my why I was speeding... the only anwer that came to mind was "some asshole was chasing me in a cop car".

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing.... A woman.

Just own your imperfections.... Perfect is boring.

I unblocked my stalker after 2yrs... Got a text within 10 minutes. It was a picture of me from an hour earlier.

Trust is the ultimate compliment a person can give you.

Why buy the whole camel when you get the toe for free.

Wedding cake... one last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

Dear liquor store..... Take me to your liter.

You ever miss something so bad that you wish you never had it in the first place.

My shitty tweets are just part of my follower loyalty program.

I have a lot of stuff to do, better go lay on the couch and think about it.

It's alright to be wrong.... Just don't be wrong and act like an asshole to cover it up.

She asked me if I am even capable of love? …… I'm pretty sure I love pancakes.

I just bought Rosetta Stone for women....I am going to learn their language.

Whatever is the opposite of O.C.D, I am pretty sure I have that.