I take "What are you eating?" as a threat to my survival.

Twitter jail again. Noooo.

I wish you’d tweet that one you don’t want to.

Either my refresh button isn't working or everyone broke their starring fingers cause I know this shit is funny!

Fuck you, moving avis. I drink enough.

Intelligence and education is the enemy of the political parties that want to control you.

Psst, my drink is empty.....brb.

I love random drunk tweets. You fuckers are *awesome*

No thanks, I better not have another slice of pizza. I've had enough.

- Wizards

'No playing up tonight babies, mommy's getting drunk and sending dodgy DM's to unsuspecting twitter friends'

I'm on the "go to the snack machine 20 times a day at work, and wonder why I'm not losing weight at night diet".

Nothing that comes from this account is going to make sense tonight, the massive amount of Gin we've consumed demands it.

"Nothing gayer than a Harry Potter T-shirt" ~ Jesse

Some people will always haunt you, like how a song stays in your head or how your past goes with you into every day of your future.

My friend just opened an account.
"Am I a Tweeter or a Twitterer?" She said.
No, you're still a Twat.

Twitter accounts should come with a decoder pen, a gallon of vodka, xanax, and a condom♥

You guys are adorable in a slutty, pervy kind of way. Kisses.

Something in my clothes is giving me a rash.

I think its me.

Look honey, I can be drunk anywhere, but I CHOOSE to come home and be drunk around you. That's got to count for something.

This salad taste like Fireball whiskey.