My boss just told me "a handful of nuts a day is good for heart" is that a pass at me you handsome Indian devil you ;)

Last night I was banned from Barnes & Noble for moving the wet floor sign in front of a 50 shades of grey display

Sometimes in life the only person you can trust to know what song you're referencing is @iamnotadirtygod

Stay posi bro

When the game is over the king and pawn go into the same box.

My life is a series of "I'm too high for this shit" and "I'm not high enough for this shit"

Why do I always feel like ill die at some point in the day if I don't get those extra 10 minutes of sleep that I shouldn't have

I guess I crossed the Atlantic walking home from the bar last night cause all my dang clothes are wet

I don't think I've ever actually defended pop punk. I am all talk.

You only YOLO once

My write-ins for local election this year included: Han Solo, Kermit the frog, and Neil deGrasse Tyson

Today a crazy woman taught me about politics. Apparently we're a confederate nation.

Tis the season for couples to partake in "cute" fall activities so they'll forget all about how much they really hate each other

Fer real doe ladies get out and vote if not for your country then do it for your vaginas

Can we just give Lil B all the vmas this year?

Ive been napping in the office at work for the last 2 hours -____-

Mac Miller just let hitler take all the blame #LearnSumKnowledge #MACMILLERSTARTEDTHEHOLOCAUST

Now offering a $500 reward to anyone who can find my self confidence.

How do we lose to Canada in a contact sport? U.S. I am disappoint

"LYKE DIS PIX IF U REMEMBER DEEZ THINGS" - my entire Facebook feed these days