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  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    Babies are ridiculous. Somebody brought one to my grandpa's funeral and it wouldn't stop crying. But it didn't even know him for that long.

    • 513
    • FAVS
    gooseduckyduck__insinuatemeevesdamnappleBritDvorakdavid_tullsammyj_04__shutupheavandroszr
    • 251
    • RETWEETS
    insinuatemedavid_tullshutupheavcanadianpride86Aitch_ammwahjtiesAllannochEmceeSandt
    BillMc7SeanInCypressKimKardashsToesavvystrider
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    I don't care how hot you are.

    The second you have trouble following the plot of a movie or a TV show, I'm outie.

    • 369
    • FAVS
    rayaoatesgooseduckyduck__insinuatemeshutupheavMackenzie_DayneEBEISali_lohnesSamathaNess
    • 272
    • RETWEETS
    shutupheavRealKyleFleuryemilyadollunc23dabullsmegetobinAnnieLucy6685Pat_Dennytiffnrivera
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    "What a whore." - Whore, complaining to her whore friend about some other whore doing something whorish.

    • 382
    • FAVS
    gooseduckyduck__insinuatemeandroszrWhoopdeedoo22KaylaVerlaanchinkydeliciaeCalypso___sefronia_
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    insinuatemetoshajeanDaphneDoo_AnonAstatineemfobrownnatfloresCalypso__ThisBlondeLife__
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    I hate it when my friends brag about how nice I am.

    Hello? I'm ugly. I don't have a choice.

    • 195
    • FAVS
    BDGarpTheSolClarkeRitleySammichJooryZoghby______gmossiiMoistPorkCoolishCoolidgesaffffiiii
    • 101
    • RETWEETS
    dg538CoolishCoolidgesaffffiiiiChanellie92laughingkimmieBASEDQUEENCHELSSuchaNerd87evofck
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    My dad and I did everything together. Including my mom. No, I'm saying she was with us, not that we... Shit. How do I delete this?!

    • 217
    • FAVS
    androszrTrolleyCatJooryZoghby______MoistPorksaffffiiiiBDGarpevofckroggyie
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    Aglaea_thedailymarkerclassyfellazFunnerGunner______TheRohiniReddyIGoBy_ManiiEscvda_TharkiParindi
    StephenBCramer__
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    I miss the days (pre-1999) when I could hang out the passenger side of my best friend's ride trying to holler at someone without feeling bad

    • 144
    • FAVS
    androszrWhoopdeedoo22RitleySammichJooryZoghby______MoistPorksaffffiiiiSuchaNerd87Carly_Marley
    • 64
    • RETWEETS
    SuchaNerd87evofckItzDad________zowismohsadieenovapinesigmaseal________mciranna____
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    I call my testicles Whitney and Celine because they were big in the '90s and one of them doesn't move at all anymore.

    • 144
    • FAVS
    JooryZoghby______pompousdadsnobbygirl17randomtuesdaysmorekevinswilscarletoharajarynlarsenbstar64
    • 60
    • RETWEETS
    pompousdadsnobbygirl17andyroogeroliscottskinnydog6665thRingjhnarieffbstar64
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    That awkward moment when you're watching Transformers with your guy friends and Josh Duhamel comes on the screen and so do you.

    • 153
    • FAVS
    FunniestEverAndrewP380________JooryZoghby______saffffiiiiBDGarpevofckVikeeysSecretroggyie
    • 39
    • RETWEETS
    FunniestEverAndrewP380________One_Classy_BumiBrowniEdFunnerGunner______JulioMorales65Fistful_of_Conkwhatajaymo
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    I tear pieces off of my burrito and use those pieces to scrape up the pieces that fell out of my burrito because I'm resourceful as fuck.

    • 152
    • FAVS
    JooryZoghby______MoistPorksaffffiiiievofckroggyielorlorlori________ItzDad________jake_likes_naps
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    ItzDad________416Cat__FunnerGunner______notkatiebatesdixie_lee_peascrouchenpumaCrackedIllusionZachh_Hammond
    MiketheSourcer
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    I still feel bad about stealing Ricky's baseball cards in '94. His mom died a week later. I told him they were probably in her car. LOL!

    • 144
    • FAVS
    brenagslooney_binsaffffiiiiroggyielorlorlori________iBrowniEdItzDad________jake_likes_naps
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    BasedZaebrenagsItzDad________AlecJFrysuprmario23boogeydakidjessonwolfeShag_daddy
    imsoforserious
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    I always give my mom two dozen roses on Father's Day. One for every guy she's enlisted to replace my dad since their divorce in 1997.

    • 121
    • FAVS
    DalyaAymanjayneunchained____JooryZoghby______MoistPorksaffffiiiiroggyielorlorlori________iBrowniEd
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    dionshawnFunnyFightsJooryZoghby______ItzDad________thedailymarkerthatboleyngirlAnitaAlibiFunnerGunner______
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    I could relate to Liam Neeson's character in Taken a lot more if his daughter was a burrito.

    • 106
    • FAVS
    candace_9871RitleySammichJooryZoghby______saffffiiiiGetongaLadyLizbmonkeyBDGarpevofck
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    AlexxxHilliercandace_9871saffffiiiiGetongafavstar1000favsMitchellBMitchvinniesucksOne_Classy_Bum
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    I love watching fat brides on their wedding day. The hesitation as they prepare to shove cake into someone else's face is fucking priceless.

    • 110
    • FAVS
    JooryZoghby______saffffiiiiroggyielorlorlori_________jennjennMitchellBMitchOne_Classy_BumiBrowniEd
    • 24
    • RETWEETS
    One_Classy_BumiBrowniEdItzDad________favstar1000favsMyManCardsthedailymarkergarethhughes08____Pirate_Twinkie
    ItzDad________HairyJew4Life
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    If you watch Brokeback Mountain backwards, they still don't seem to get much sheephearding done.

    • 104
    • FAVS
    looney_binJooryZoghby______jmecrtsPeppiMomrobfeesaffffiiiiSuchaNerd87AssholeCamp
    • 25
    • RETWEETS
    favstar1000favslaughingkimmieevofckskullpuppy11iBrowniEdItzDad________jkentokyo__TheRealRHB
    SeanBlazed__
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    Accidentally slowed down the playback during a porno and now it's the only way I can get off. I'm afraid I might be a slow-mo sexual.

    • 108
    • FAVS
    RitleySammichJooryZoghby______saffffiiiievofckroggyielorlorlori_________jennjennMitchellBMitch
    • 14
    • RETWEETS
    One_Classy_BumiBrowniEdAnitaAlibiFunnerGunner______CrackedIllusionFavstar_NSFWfarleftcoastweeziepeezy
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    There may not be much I like about our government, but I do appreciate that they let us list our goal weight on our driver's license.

    • 85
    • FAVS
    JooryZoghby______saffffiiiiroggyielorlorlori________ItzDad________farleftcoastAlphaBelle________chowdersoop
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    wont_ketchupMrMaclin__chowdersoopthedailymarkerTheDarkSideCEOanacardiorossoSnellWarrenkhrysteenah
    savvystrider
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    Sex would be a lot easier if our 4th grade teachers still picked our partners.

    • 91
    • FAVS
    FunniestEverRyneBraunlooney_binsaffffiiiiroggyielorlorlori_________jennjennMitchellBMitch
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    FunniestEverMitchellBMitchskullpuppy11iBrowniEd2b4k3dcrouchenpumaTheDoucheCanoedifferentseas
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    Just noticed my friend Danielle has a lot of arm hair. She's a good person, but I don't think I'll talk to her anymore.

    • 89
    • FAVS
    IRBADBISHFunniestEverRyneBraunlooney_binsaffffiiiiroggyielorlorlori________iBrowniEd
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    FunniestEverItzDad________AnitaAlibiFunnerGunner______scarletvondeathKTNew10CharlieSnakEyesnburrrtrophies____
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    Idiot waitress just poured water in my Sprite glass.

    Stupid idiot with her stupid idiot name tag and stupid idiot gorgeous flowing hair.

    • 95
    • FAVS
    sarahakhtarrrFunniestEverAndrewP380________looney_binsaffffiiiiroggyielorlorlori________ItzDad________
    • 11
    • RETWEETS
    shelbyarnaudFunniestEverAnitaAlibiFunnerGunner______crouchenpumaFavstar500FavsvickiaddamsUhhOkayThen
    sweet_toof
  • CaseyMcCollum
      Casey McCollum @CaseyMcCollum

    There's nothing bitchier than the bitchiest bitch at work when she thinks she's being outbitched by a bitch who's usually less bitchy.

    • 71
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22AndrewP380________saffffiiiiroggyielorlorlori________ItzDad________thedailymarkerNikiWithIssues
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    AnitaAlibiFunnerGunner______msred1973juz_ariesOnly1NeaNAutisticusZitsPopperFavstar_NSFW
    silent_musings
@CaseyMcCollum

@CaseyMcCollum

Singer-songwriter. Overweight. Afterthought.

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