Babies are ridiculous. Somebody brought one to my grandpa's funeral and it wouldn't stop crying. But it didn't even know him for that long.

"What a whore." - Whore, complaining to her whore friend about some other whore doing something whorish.

I hate it when my friends brag about how nice I am.

Hello? I'm ugly. I don't have a choice.

My dad and I did everything together. Including my mom. No, I'm saying she was with us, not that we... Shit. How do I delete this?!

I miss the days (pre-1999) when I could hang out the passenger side of my best friend's ride trying to holler at someone without feeling bad

That awkward moment when you're watching Transformers with your guy friends and Josh Duhamel comes on the screen and so do you.

I tear pieces off of my burrito and use those pieces to scrape up the pieces that fell out of my burrito because I'm resourceful as fuck.

I call my testicles Whitney and Celine because they were big in the '90s and one of them doesn't move at all anymore.

I still feel bad about stealing Ricky's baseball cards in '94. His mom died a week later. I told him they were probably in her car. LOL!

I always give my mom two dozen roses on Father's Day. One for every guy she's enlisted to replace my dad since their divorce in 1997.

I love watching fat brides on their wedding day. The hesitation as they prepare to shove cake into someone else's face is fucking priceless.

I could relate to Liam Neeson's character in Taken a lot more if his daughter was a burrito.

If you watch Brokeback Mountain backwards, they still don't seem to get much sheephearding done.

Accidentally slowed down the playback during a porno and now it's the only way I can get off. I'm afraid I might be a slow-mo sexual.

There may not be much I like about our government, but I do appreciate that they let us list our goal weight on our driver's license.

Sex would be a lot easier if our 4th grade teachers still picked our partners.

Just noticed my friend Danielle has a lot of arm hair. She's a good person, but I don't think I'll talk to her anymore.

Idiot waitress just poured water in my Sprite glass.

Stupid idiot with her stupid idiot name tag and stupid idiot gorgeous flowing hair.

There's nothing bitchier than the bitchiest bitch at work when she thinks she's being outbitched by a bitch who's usually less bitchy.

I love putting on my grandma's ruby ring and doing impressions of her. It really creeps my mom out. Probably because she was buried with it.