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I asked for apple care for Christmas. I just opened an apple with "CARE" written on it with a marker. You can't make this stuff up, folks!
A woman just passed by with a stroller. I was going to see if the baby was cute but it was actually a cat and it gave me a pretty stern look
Ugh I am peeling for the first time and years and I feel like a giant ball of dandruff, also known as a summertime snowman.
It looks like everything is heading this direction so here's my idea:
Doritos Locos Whiskey®
I'm almost certain that toddlers are just miniature drunk people.
Troll me like one of ur le French girls
Got banned from a tea subReddit for "taking tea too seriously." Uhh no how about you learn that Teavana is for moms and plebs.
Just laying in bed trying to warm up my twerk muscles. Horizontal twerking starts my day off right
My alarm clock this morning happened to be some dude's extremely loud fart in our shower. Folger's commercials never prepared me for this.
Pretty sure I just fired a few of North Korea's "smaller" nukes into my toilet. Lets be honest, they are destructive.
This is my last will and testament: I always secretly loved Saved By the Bell. Also I am Screech.
I almost just flew into someone else. I am sitting. You would think Marty McFly is driving or some stuff.
On this bus to the rodeo. Homie be drivin like he has never driven a bus. What if it isn't even a bus? How can we know?
Oh I'll show you animal husbandry! *marrys a pig* dang heck she is a girl pig! *puts ring on curly tail anyway*