"if you tear it down, they will leave." ~Field of Dreams extended version

Twitter is just like high school,I follow hot girls just hoping they might notice me,but they don't so I just masturbate 2 the thought of em

If my penis were to contract any type of disease, I hope it'd be whatever it was that Andre the Giant suffered from.

Wanted to say 'thanks' to the 3 of you who find me funny....but it's just too humiliating

I don't understand women. Hostess says, "Follow me"...then days later calls the police.

I can't help it that I sometimes get a little pissed off at my very, very hot girlfriend, for not existing

I wonder who Michael Vick has his money on for the Puppy Bowl

Too much McDonald's has made me 'Grimace'

Was so drunk at 4am I can't remember what I ate. But based on my track record, a vagina would be a long-shot

Just scratched off a lottery ticket and it said I was an instant loser.

When life hands you lemons; Squirt some lemon juice in Life's eyes, chop off Life's hands & watch Life bleed out. Teach Life a lemon lesson.

Hilary Swank is our generation's Jamie Lee Curtis...now that I think about it, he might just be Jamie Lee Curtis

R. Kelly had major minor problems.

They should call it.."The Inception Of Jason Bourne's Bureau's Identity Adjustment Ultimatum" starring Matt Damon

The irony is that I will be the one "dropping the ball" for the rest of the year

Just got my first nut of 2011...Cashew

I'm huge in China.

I like to think that somewhere out there, there are aliens making terrible movies about humans.

Magic Johnson must have a magic Johnson, with the way he handled HIV and all

I didn't realize how out of touch Charlie Sheen actually was until I saw that he was following Fred fuckin Durst