Facebook is like a wife u love bcuz you've been together 4 so long & Twitter is ur slutty mistress ur obsessed with & do nasty shit 2

To cut a bitch
Or not cut a bitch
That is the question

Discovered new black spiced rum called Kraken. I'm bringing it to the next party just so I can say, "release the Kraken!"

Sometimes I wish I did drugs so there was an explanation for the asinine bullshit I get myself into.

Honestly, I don't believe in heaven but I know there's a hell because I live in it.

Tip of the Day: Ladies if your midsection resembles that of a pot belly pig, the crop top is not for you.

I'm amazed at how Twitter can turn grown ass men into petty whiny bitches.

I swear if I didn't have a short cut to UrbanDictionary.com I wouldn't have a clue what some of you were referencing.

Do your boobs hang low
Do they wobble to & fro
Can you tie thm in a knot
Do your boobs hang low
If so you should run thru
the grocery store

Listen fuckers who say if you don't do this/that like this then "you're doing it wrong." You're doing your whole fucking life wrong.

What?!

Twitter goes down like a whore in the red light district suddenly all the cool kids cry they have no followers, welcome to my world bitches!

If you ever need a reminder of how racist & narrowminded our society is, just stay on here long enough & it'll show up in your TL.

It appears as if this girl's eyes are on the side of head. Either this is a result of sibling lovin' or I've just found Kermit's love child.

Hey, does the chinese food I'm eating count as celebrating cinco de mayo if a mexican made it? It's like a mexicanese dish, no?

It's times like these that I wish I could blame my craziness to being off my meds. (side note: must set doc appt to get meds)

I know Florida is home to Disneyworld but did they really need to let Dopey & Goofy on the jury?

I hate when non sexy people wear sexy outfits. That's why sexiness is always teetering on the edge of extinction.

This woman is walking around using a shih tzu as a hairpiece.

I stepped on a manhole & fell into a Kardashian. #HowToBeHilariousByTomBrady

Why aren't any of these fuckers on facebook interesting? I thank Jesus, my mexican landscaper for Twitter. J/K his name is Jorge...or Juan?