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Just got my acceptance letter from the school of ed!!!
Not having a kid is so sick
Pretty sure I'm farting whiskey...
If you hate eating marry an Irish woman
Next time you're out and a girl mentions a celebrity, casually drop that you went to school with their cousin. Unless you hate getting laid
I would send my son off to military school if I ever saw him in one of those tuxedo t-shirts. Fucking instantly. Zero negotiation
Really want to smoke but really don't want to get off the couch? Hope my parents are cool with my decision
Is being in a rush a valid reason for not turning around to make sure you didn't run over a human being? Please say yes
Spreading rumors on Yik Yak instead of doing homework
It's weird that at no point in Catcher In The Rye did someone make a "More like Holden muh cock!" joke, right?
Wasn't really drunk, just had a frew brews
Playing turn down for what anytime before maybe 1am is a huge misfire by radio DJs
This awesome dude @ the bar is finding every reason to flex in his muscle shirt. Itchy nose, another beer, stretches. All flex opportunities
Been telling people at work the wrong totals but giving them correct change and "proving them wrong" with receipts all day. Kinda twisted
Girl in my class just used the word "pedagogical"... I'm absolutely out of here
Make your own luck
This is a parody account and is in no way affiliated with the real Daniel Murray
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