I fucking hate people who talk while I'm interrupting!!

Was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.

"Who are you and how did you get in here?"


"I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith..."

An encyclopedia is a system for collecting dust in alphabetical order.

911 lady:"911 hello?"
Me: "Hi sugar, wanna give me head?"
Her:"You're calling 911, is this an emergency?"
Me: "Actually , yes."

I don't need a sex life, life fucks me on a daily basis.

I just finished assembling a puzzle. I'm quite satisfied, the box said 2 - 4 years, but it only took me 7 months.

Just unfollowed @charliesheen & delightfully saw his follower list drop from 3,546,389 to 3,546,388. That'll teach him who's really #winning

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Survival rule #1: You go first...

"Where are you from?"
"Originally from my dad's penis but I moved to my mom's vagina.Then it got too cramped and I'm living here eversince."

Tongue: sexual organ which some perverts use for talking.

Father: someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

What is worse? Ignorance, indifference or vulgarity?
I don't know, and I don't give a shit.

Can't stand when you interrupt me while I'm ignoring you.

Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty.
I just say “Are you gonna fucking drink it or what!?"

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Call me a romantic, but I like to know the name of the porn actress I'm masturbating to.

Woke up feeling very calm and joyful. Googled the symptoms and apparently, I'm dead.

Drinking is not the solution. Unless you're referring to booze.