This dude just said I hate books, there's never any pictures in them. I'd like to thank public schools, for another bright beacon of hope.

For the longest time I thought a "standing O" had to do with vertical orgasms...
You live, you learn.

I wish I were bored, that's how fucking miserable I am at work.

Matthew said Jesus doesn't want me to cast pearls before swine. I guess I should stop talking to you guys.

You know that awkward first talk about sex? I just had it with my dad, and he totally gets it now.

My next line of work will be as an autistic rapper but instead of a clock I'm going 2 walk around with a bell jar & sound like Sylvia Plath.

I love a woman who could hold up a glass of champagne and simultaneously eye fuck everyone in the room. Classy👌.

Oh yeah right, I'm weird. Like you've never told a knock-knock joke that involved fisting and the girl from Ipanema.

You're not exactly the sharpest shed in the tool.

Its not that pussy &dick are bad words.Its just frowned upon when referring 2 a patients anatomy;at least thats what my Instructor tells me.

I'm not going to tweet about how awesome the universe is, if that were true Heath Ledger would still be alive &Mitt Romney wouldn't.

Mr. Peabody had all the advantages of being a dude with the added bonus of being able to rub his ass on the carpet and lick his own balls.

I'm seriously thinking about going white face; it's not reverse racism, it'll just give me a better shot at finding a job.

@cookedoncronix @storminika that doesn't even make any sense. Jesus, you must have the dumbest followers on twitter.

The first abusive relationship was some dude punching his wife's vagina after she screamed, "quit beating around the bush!"

Life would be awesome if it came with season finales.Sometimes I need a few months off to come up with new ways to insult your intelligence.

I will now freely grope chicks boobs and asses and blame it on alien hand syndrome. I might even wear one of those fancy medical bracelets.

@redbreasticles your avi is like a trip back to the 50's when guys went nuts over ankles and shins. I am officially impressed.

Even diseases are racist now and days. Doctor tells me I'm way too dark to get skin cancer. What the fuck happened to affirmative action?

Instead of working on a sustainable low-carbon energy source, students @ MIT are working on a ketchup bottle fix.This the future of America.