Seriously dude, what's with the eye contact...my tits aren't on my face...

Maybe if Little Tikes made the race car beds in king size...screwing in a car at this age wouldn't be so embarrassing...

Reading the manual would be sensible and smart, but I prefer pushing the buttons on the stove and cursing at it until it does what I want...

I don't really like to share things publicly, but I guess since this is just Twitter, it's probably ok.

"Hey, what's the best way to split this valium in half?" - Question never asked...

I think it's really cool when people don't understand sarcasm...

After the car flashed "door ajar", and then "trunk ajar" while driving, was genuinely surprised it didn't say..."pull over moron...

Yes, I wear Hello Kitty Band-Aids. It's not like there's an age limit on the damn box...and why should kids have all the fun?

Just kicked a Cheerio under a cabinet in the kitchen, then remembered I'm supposed to be the grown-up who gives a crap...

People that obey stop signs in empty mall parking lots are probably terrified of ripping that tag off their mattress...

Seriously, WTF does it mean when you sneeze and smell ham...

Does a grown-ass woman look stupid getting the kids meal? Maybe, but she's got a sweet, sweet Sonic glider...and you don't...

Know what's more embarrassing than hurting finger while dramatically gesturing to spouse about how to open a box correctly? Nothing.

So you're supposed to "spit" the Listerine...it's not an "afterbrushing cocktail"? I see...that explains a few things...

No matter how old I get...eating an ice cream cone makes me want to put my hair in pigtails, and skip...

Peeked thru mini blinds and they smell like maple syrup. Smells great, but very confusing...plus now can't stop smelling them...

Haven't talked to friend since her drunken Easter song voicemail...am wondering how glad she'll be to have me play it for her...

"Happy Hour" at Sonic? Unless they're passing out little flasks with their slushes, I'm just not seeing it...

Cats clustered around fireplace...never a good sign in south Texas...can guarantee it ain't Santa comin' down the fuckin' chimney...

Dear Twitter, stop asking me if I'm human...tired of flashing you...rather cheap on your part...