I think I have mood poisoning

If at first you DO succeed, try to look cool and act like you expected it...

Dont know why they call it beauty sleep, ive just woke up looking like a fucking reject from Kiss

im gonna start cleaning my house, and by cleaning i mean start drinking beer and spraying everything with febreeze

Watching monsters inc. Which i can relate to as 1 eyed monsters often get up in my face

totally rocking the camel toe today

OMG leggings are deffo not for everyone, please stop wearing them if it looks like they are being eaten by your vagina!

I don't think my parents realised when they said"I hope you have children just like you", that they would be babysitting said children.

answer door in underwear, must be my mum at this time of morning, NOT MY MUM hiya random delivery guy, hope u like bed bras and granny pants

Last time i had a drink with her she tried to pee outside in the way home from the pub & broke her shoulder falling over her own panties

that wee panic attack u get when ur climbing the stairs in the dark and you climb the extra invisible 1 at the top...aye ive just done that!

women are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental

I have bulimia and dementia, i eat shit loads then forget to be sick.

my favourite game as a kid was sticking thorns from rose bushes on my nose and pretending i was a rhino.

The best thing about having kids is sending them to the fridge to get me another beer

I've definitely put on weight, my jeans are so tight my vagina looks like the letter W. Soul destroying!

"You look like a hippo singing opera" my 7 year olds description of me yawning, which in all fairness is pretty fucking accurate

the kids have pointed out that the loveheart emoticon <3 looks like a comic book fart.....how have i never noticed this before

any1 fancy a 71??? its the same as a 69 but with 2 fingers up the ass?

Hungry, i need something deep fried and smothered in chocolate!