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T-Rex probably died from the spread of disease since he couldn't use the soap dispensers without smashing his face into the mirror.
Bears are ornery because of their ongoing struggle to catch salmon with only glazed pastries for hands.
These chicken nuggets don't even taste like dinosaurs.
Bourbon is America's hard pour corn star.
Your forehead pressed against the glass, you see your mom holding your favorite stuffed animal mouthing YOU FORGOT as you rocket into space.
Shout out to a seahorse named Land Triscuit.
A painting of a duck that quacks every time you look away from it.
Rather than ice, drop two tiny turtles into your glass. Pour something cool and crisp. Sit back and enjoy the drink that stirs itself.
Just ate my toothbrush to clean those hard-to-reach places.
The beauty of coming from a dysfunctional family is that nothing you do has to make sense.
Saw a pea roll down my fork. It may have been doing Parkour. It's hard to tell with peas.
If you would just give me a chance I could show you a mediocre time.
My outside Asian wants to solve math problems. But my inside white person wants to practice JC Penney poses and eat pot pies.
I am lucky to have a Mexican boyfriend. If I get tired of him, I can just stab him and enjoy delicious candy.
I don't trust brown towels.
Never accept a rap battle from a cricket unless you know more than five words that rhyme with chirp.
I skipped college and went straight to Twitter.
Worked out so hard my eye is twitching. You'd think it was my first time opening a sleeve of Ritz.
A password so strong it can bench press your dad.
Funnel is just a fancy name for unicorn hat.
jewean | intj | logical mystic | co-host of the @impersonals podcast: http://www.talkshoe.com/tc/128226