My favorite kind of woman is not one that wakes me to come to bed, but the one who spoons me on the kitchen floor.

I love watching people with new accounts get stars for the first time. They have no idea they're about to be sucked into the black hole.

I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE!!!!

With thousands of people on twitter.

The best way to become a germophobe is by taking a black light to a 14 year old boy's bedroom.

Breathing makes me want to drink beer.

Women who can breathe are fucking hot!

I guess if I had to pick one. I'm a glass half broken kind of guy.

I was literally BEYOND REFUGE... So I gave up. Now I'm back CAUSE YOU WANTED (Joe).

Life should be played in reverse, so we can all die as an incredible orgasm.

I'm the Edward Cullen of leaving a strip club at the break of dawn and sparkling like glitter in the sunlight.

Damn... What am I going to do? I can't have sex anymore with these herpes!

- Probably not the person who gave you herpes

I'm not sure what it is but my middle finger always gets muscles spasms when I'm at work.

86% of kids will return the favor if you flip them the bird on the freeway.

I'm sorry, but I opened Pandora's box and ate the forbidden fruit. What? I found weed and got hungry.

My cable box says its 5am but my microwave says its 4. So anything that happens in the chasm between doesn't count. *cracks a beer*

Tickle someone's TL today... For its Friday.

Ha! My brother just called me at 5am and asked if I wanted to have some beers. Fucking loser.

I'm already at the bar.

<------ This used to be the guy drawing wieners on the overhead projector in class.

Patience is scrapping a 2000 follower account for no reason whatsoever.

If I'm not naked riding the police lights of a cop car on a high speed, wearing somebody's cowboy hat, piss drunk in 12 hours. Fuck Friday!