@CcSteff's (Stephanie) most faved Tweets...
Oh come on, guys. Everyone knows the Constitution is only relevant when it comes to owning guns and not wanting to help poor people.
Confused I won't take Jim's last name, they ask what name our kids will have. Easy. We make them pick the name of the parent they love more.
Jim doesn't like it when I say we got married for health insurance, so I'm telling everyone we got married so we could finally have sex.
I read the headline "Pope visits Africa" as "Elderly cross-dressing virgin lectures AIDS-stricken continent about dangers of condoms." Huh.
If I get married I want it to be for all the right reasons, like needing health insurance and getting a tax break and being straight.
Nothing kills the mood faster than the buzzer from the dryer. Except asking to be untied so you can start the next load of laundry.
"I'm a very spiritual person" is code for "I cherry-pick the bits of bullshit that make me feel good."
The question "Who's a good kitty?" remains unanswered.
However, the issue of "Who's a stupid, furballing piece of shit?" has been settled.
However, the issue of "Who's a stupid, furballing piece of shit?" has been settled.
So, a universe indifferent to pain and suffering is bleak, but a god who demonstrates his love with pain and suffering is comforting. Huh.
15-year-old Jim weeps as 29-year-old Jim stands in the shower with a naked, soapy woman and talks about coding. (Woman weeps too.)
"I hate other girls" translates to "Hey boys! See how different I am from other girls? I'm so not like those bitches. Do you love me yet?"
The gold standard of awkward: making eye contact with someone through the crack of a bathroom stall door while you're standing at the sink.
Pat Robertson is every bit as christian as you. You just cherry-pick different bits of bullshit than he does.
Jim missed the exit for a major highway, adding 2 hours to the trip. To be fair, his PhD was not in Knowing Where The Fuck I'm Going.
I thought the label said "omg caffeine," but it actually said "0mg caffeine." And now I have a headache.
Your dire warning of "Everything will change now that you're married" says far more about your relationship than it ever could about mine
The problem with listening to James Brown at work is that I only sing the grunts and screams. Sounds like I'm taking a dump in my cubicle.
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