Mom text: I'm giving yr dad the bj he wanted for Xmas. Me: The what?? Mom: Banjo. Me: You should spell that out.

Twitter seems to attract lots of girls with daddy issues who are too fucking lazy to go become strippers.

Evidently the RT button is harder to find than a clitoris for some of you people.

FACT: It's sexual harassment IF you're ugly. Otherwise it's flirting.

Softly with his song. ~Gay ways to kill

I'd love to see Charlie Brown kick Lucy in the pussy one time.

Some of your Avis make me very glad I don't really know you people.

There are two kinds of tall girls: Hot ones and basketball players.

If Paul McCartney was such a nice guy he would have let Heather Mills keep both her legs in the divorce.

The restraining order lapses tonight at 12:01. Should I call, or just drop by?

If I was a superhero I would only save people who didn't seem like assholes.

Scrabble = words with friends. Twitter = words with fiends.

FORTUNE: If you're seriously looking for guidance in a fucking cookie give up now.

This tossed salad tastes like shit.

My Twitter rule of thumb: If it makes me laugh I star it. If it makes me wish I'd thought of it, I retweet it.

The nice thing about telling jokes on Twitter is no one can throw things at you for sucking.

If you wear a Hooter's t-shirt, but you've never worked there, you MIGHT be a dumb whore.

Hey, New Mexico, calm down- turquoise ain't that great.

The girlfriend is dyeing her hair today. Tonight I fuck a stranger.

Unfortunately, the worst thing I've ever done probably won't be the worst thing I'll ever do.