Age is only a number??? Don't think so dumbass....."age" is a word.

Traveling to France and eating at McDonalds is a fun way to tell the French to fuck off.

I like twitter, but if my boss saw my tweets I'd b fired, if my wife saw I'd b divorced, if my friends saw, I'd b alone. But, I like twitter

Old people sure have a way of making eating look sad.

I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not the sharpest elevator in the sea.

I'm not negative, I just think that everyone's a stupid asshole and we're all gonna die.

My Grandpa is so good at planking. He's been laying there on the golf course since Thursday. I really admire his level of commitment.

Nothing makes the wife happier than when I come home & yell "WHO THE FUCK TOUCHED MY STUFF" after she spent the whole day cleaning the house

My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.

"I'll let myself out".....every penis in pajamas.

When someone bumps into me, it's fun to say "owl". Then they say "who?" & I say "exactly". Then we laugh and laugh until I get my medicine.

If I was a drunk superhero, I'm pretty sure I'd be "I Love You Man"

Wow, what a day. I volunteered at a soup kitchen, caught up on my scrapbookin', went 2 baby shower, ran 9 miles, then told lies on twitter.

Sometimes I'll start a nice slow clap to show my support for a fat person who walks right on past a Haagen Dazs. I'm thoughtful like that.

Although I haven't said a word all day, my wife just told me that she did not appreciate my tone. So, I have that going for me.

I may not know what I'm doing, but at least I have no idea what's going on.

Getting wasted last night and bedazzling our hamster is the best and worst thing that I've ever done.

If I were a bear, I'm pretty sure I'd be a "don't care bear."

I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

If only regret came with fries.