The adult version of Tetris is loading a dishwasher.

Titanic 3D.

Maybe they'll see the fucking iceberg this time.

If emotional scars were visible, porn would be disgusting.

I force my dog to watch the animal abuse commercial so he knows how good he has it.

Awkward Moment

When you run out of toilet paper and decide you don't like the bathroom drapes all at the same time

Dear Banks With Pens Chained to Your Counter,

I trust you with my money but you don't trust me with your pens?

Love,
Your Dead to Me

My daily routine: get up, be amazing, go to bed.

When I yawn I wonder if deaf people think I'm screaming!?

When someone rings my doorbell, why does my dog always assume it’s for him?

Just got the cheapest gas anywhere! $1.99! Where you ask!?

Taco. Bell.

I named my iPod 'Titanic' so when it says 'Syncing Titanic' I hit cancel and I feel like a hero!

That awkward run you do when a car lets you cross the street ...

Life is like Tetris, errors pile up as accomplishments disappear.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

I'm pretty sure that guys created the whole "ladies first" to check out ass

The terms "my bad" and "sorry" mean the same thing... unless of course your at a funeral.

The time is near, I will be digging up the time capsule I buried as a kid.

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

I don't like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door your on

I wonder if Chinese tourists get upset when they buy souvenirs in America and when they turn them over they see that they were made in China