I'll probably be reincarnated as a sink that's dick height..

I was so much funnier when you thought I was a girl..

Pumpkin scented hand soap is gonna get someone killed.

I'll drive you to the abortion clinic of your choice because I'm a gentleman or some shit.

I went over budget writing this tweet.

If you tell me a secret and it's not about a third nipple we're not friends anymore.

Don't pray for me. I've got enough problems.

Wondering when owls find the time to have sex.

I hear putting your junk on craigslist is beautiful this time of year.

A girl thanked me for sex once. True story.

Bitches cause itches.

Purchasing shovels and rakes to make up for my lack of hoes..

I'll make you a balloon animal if you hop in the van.

$10 CHALLENGE

Bleed for 7 days straight and not be a girl.

Relapsing to the oldies.

I'm not picking my nose. I'm parting my hair.

Minnesota keeps telling the same joke.

*pistol whips kid **continues playing laser tag

pic.twitter.com/ULwUvk94MU

Family Reunion on COPS