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Johnny Cash did not kill a guy in Reno. Steven Wright didn't have a pony. Tracy Morgan wouldn't stab his kid in the neck. Use your brain.
The worst aspect of our raised-in-a-reality-show-casting-call society is the notion that being loud & rude leads to fame & fortune.
I've only been wearing my new pants for about 2 hours but I've already been called "fancy pants" twice. It was me who said that but still.
If your idea of "taking a STAND" involves either going to or avoiding a particular fast food restaurant, you are a moron.
I think for male comedians, name-dropping is the closest thing we can do to showing cleavage.
OPEN MIC'ER (who has been at it for less than one year): "I don't like doing comedy if I don't get paid."
<~ Funniest thing he has ever said
I coded a perfect implementation of Artificial Intelligence, but in a fit of redneck rage I destroyed it to prove it wasn't no better'n me.
My 10yo said I can't eat lunch w her at school anymore b/c it's not cool. guess what's not cool? everything I do for the rest of your life.
Twitter is not a flea market / buffet from which you can harvest others' material. Write your own jokes, dummies.
Chad Riden is the comedian / nerd / jackass behind @ComedyNews @ComedyPodcast @NSup & other stuff. Widely regarded as America's Favorite Comedian Of All Time.