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Sometimes in my most dark and sinister moments I threaten to kill people with kindness.
Johnny Cash did not kill a guy in Reno. Steven Wright didn't have a pony. Tracy Morgan wouldn't stab his kid in the neck. Use your brain.
The worst aspect of our raised-in-a-reality-show-casting-call society is the notion that being loud & rude leads to fame & fortune.
I've only been wearing my new pants for about 2 hours but I've already been called "fancy pants" twice. It was me who said that but still.
If your idea of "taking a STAND" involves either going to or avoiding a particular fast food restaurant, you are a moron.
I think for male comedians, name-dropping is the closest thing we can do to showing cleavage.
Tonight, instead of live hate-tweeting the Oscars telecast do something fun and original and entertaining and positive and creative.
Chad Riden is the comedian / nerd / jackass behind @ComedyNews @ComedyPodcast @NSup & other stuff. Widely regarded as America's Favorite Comedian Of All Time.