not only did she not recognise her boyfriend was a best mate in drag, but she didn't recognise her new boyfriend was her old boyfriend?

I can't wait until ITV cancel The X Factor... Then channel 5 to buy it and have Steve Brookstein as host

t's 1am and there's a taxi outside honking it's horn... some people have to be up for work!! I mean, I don't, but he doesn't know that

my #WorrallDoodle for @octoberjones is a dramatic reconstruction of the incident... http://t.co/HKOaFEQY

haha, as if Kim Kardashian is a real person... I thought she was a character, like Borat

I've just been asked "is necrophilia actually illegal?" and I was all "OF CORPSE!"

"You'll feel a warm hard front coming in from the south, followed by some high pressure showers" - Fred Talbot

Poor guy, I can't imagine having a contains some violence as a neighbour... http://t.co/sgUU2XBf

I've read the same joke from six different people in the space of about 20 minutes... it wasn't even funny the first time, people are shit

as if I've missed this entire series of Big Brother... I must have been busy having a life and being not a huge douche

spent 8 hrs today trying to build a bookcase... I'm throwing in the towel, Ikea has broken me both physically and mentally

There's a job on the bbc site for a story editor on Eastenders... I feel sorry for the poor sod that has to try fix that sinking ship

You only need one question mark at the end of a question, you know? three question marks doesn't make it more of a question

all Twitter has achieved is letting me know women are just as filthy/depraved/horny as men... they just hide it better in real life

is anybody else slightly dissapointed that @brianblessed isn't tweeting ENTIRELY IN CAPS?

@douchefuck twitter famous isn't even as high as big brother famous

I'm lucky there's no hidden cameras in my bedroom, I be fucking sectioned for that rendition of welcome to the black parade... with dance

I don't understand how anybody lives down the south, your water tastes of dirty pennies... water were I live has no flavour, just cold & wet

I've known for years that Kate Middleton has boobs, it's hardly news...

This day should just fuck clean off, I hate everything... especially wine, fuck you vino you stupid pink bastard!!