Your face is fine..but you'll have to put a bag over that personality

Sometimes I like to stand in front of the toaster and try not to flinch when the toast comes out.

They say it's bad to yell at kids. That's why I find bending over and whispering "I'll kill you" much more effective..

If you text him and he doesn't text you back, he was obviously so excited that you texted him that he fainted.

I entered the word "Bitch" into my GPS, and guess what? I am in your driveway.

Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?!

It's okay to kick people's bar stools out from under them as long as you yell "JENGA" before they hit the floor!

Why do I always do something amazing when nobody is watching?

If some one hates you for no reason, give that motherfucker a reason.

Age is really just a number- and yes jail is just a room

You couldn't handle me even if I came with instructions.

Do you know what I got for Christmas? Fat. I got FAT.

I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid..

Wish I could exchange my heart for another liver, that way I can drink more and care less!

I retweet what I find funny, not what you find funny asshole..

If life hands you melons, you might be dyslexic.. :P

Just because I am gullible and adorable doesn't mean I am dumb.

I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I keep to myself..

I didn't fall idiot! The floor looked like it needed a hug..

It's okay to kick people's bar stools out from under them as long as you yell "JENGA" before they hit the floor!!