Twitter: The place you hang out when you run out of weed. And by you, I mean me. And by Twitter, I mean my dealer's front step.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

The next time you sneeze, may you shit down both pant legs.

You mean, you people actually fucking CARE about having followers? AND get mad when someone stops following your douchy, boring tweets?

I avoid weaponized food. And petting rabid animals. And fucking prostitutes from the African continent. And my own feelings.

I'm only here to play my fiddle as I watch the world burn.

If I can't retweet you, I take my star back as a hostage.

Isn't addiction fucking awesome?!??!

Marijuana prohibition has done far more harm to far more people than marijuana ever could.

I'm not here to brag, but I can fit 14 cigarettes in my mouth at once without gagging. Just found out. I guess here I come, gay porn.

Some of my fellow musicians are so fucking arrogant. Self righteous, over-inflated egotists. Shut the fuck up & play, divas.

Hey ladies, how about boobs pics every OTHER day? Cuz like, I don't wanna get desensitized & shit.

What is the ocean, but a multitide of drops?

Who needs tits with an ass like this? - my flat-chested ex-girlfriend's favorite thing to say while pointing at me.

Nothing pisses a guy off like a woman complaining about the same goddamned motherfucking thing 15 times in a fucking row. Or is it just me?

Saw Dark Knight rising today. Robin is the Jar-Jar Binks of the Batman machine.

Logic is the cement of our civilization with which we ascend from chaos using reason as our guide." (T'plana-Hath, Matron of Vulcan)

Wish there was a way to block all of your RTs. Spamming my timeline with RTs from the same account isn't going to entice me to follow them

And Satan said, "Let the torment of man begin with combining the alphabet with math". And he named it algebra, and it was bad.

I'd like to find an alternate word for "fuck". But only in the capacity of an expletive. You feel me, mother-fornicator?