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I blacked out last night, but I know it had to be a great night cause I woke up with a "I love your dick" text from a "Sarah bathroom chick"
I never lie. Not even when my gf's daughter asks me if I like the picture she drew
Whenever I like a girl I like every status she has ever posted on fb. You know, just to let her know I like her, and Im not creepy
New rule: If you aren't watching your fucking kids in public, I'm allowed to trip those little mother fuckers
I love women, but most of ya'll are fuckin crazy!!! Like legitimately crazy. Like need to get help crazy!!!
I still love you though
I'm really bad at guessing girls ages
Just ask my PO
Cop: What are these for?
Me: My pills make me not kill you
Life is over rated. It's really not that serious. Lighten the fuck up, grab a beer, laugh, and stop being a cunt!
I got retweeted a couple times before! Im just proud and thought I should share my best accomplishments with you. Oh and I saved a life too
Vodka is the healthiest type of alcohol you can consume, and everyone on twitter drinks tons of it. I didn't realize how healthy twitter was
I was always a smart kid. In school I aced every test. The tests that were really hard for me were the drug ones
I thought I hit rock bottom a while ago, but the way I just used Captain Morgans as syrup for my pancakes says otherwise
I know you ladies want hot sex, but all I can offer is awkward sex...
I have cool leopard boxers!
and beer too... Just saying
Ex: Why do you like alcohol so much?
Me: Cause its not a whore
If you watch Brokeback Mountain backwards you're a homo! I've never seen that shit!!!
If masturbating is the key to success, then I am a mother fucking janitor!
Sorry, I'm drunk
Best part about being in great shape is that I'm amazing at sex. Holding girls up and tossing them around like a viking on a rape quest!
I like some things (alcohol) and I don't like other things (people)
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