If corporations are people, why cant they get the death penalty?

I like my women like I like my mimosas. At a Diner.

The person ahead of me for the bathroom always seems to be birthing a baby. At the ATM, they are always refinancing their mortgage.

In 1985, the menu of the Harvard Faculty Lounge ceased to feature horsemeat due to the new French chef objecting to the use of frozen food.

I just made up a brother who always borrows money from the family for his crazy new inventions while talking to a barista. Unsure why.

I think everyone in high school should have to dissect a human cadaver. Just to see how weak we all are.

A good museum is one where you leave with ideas for 10 HBO series.

Lobster is one of the Maine things the East Coast has going for it.

Egg said to the boiling water "sorry baby, its gonna take me a while to get hard, just got laid by some chick."

I once knew a man who was no where near as awesome as his name suggested - Roosevelt Langley.

Sometimes when I walk outside and the racoon is staring at me I say "not now, racoon." It climbs back up the tree. A considerate racoon.

Twenty six percent of Americans who believe Barack Obama is a Muslim approve of his job performance.

I am a hypochondriac for psychosomatic conditions.

Great thing about always checking cell phone you can do it anywhere: waiting for a train, breakups, in line for a goose, as presently.

Looking at my self in the mirror I realize I should be a frazzled end of his ropes journalist who stumbles on a case just too dangerous.

You would not believe how much fun @americanroulete, @jennammoran and I are having on this google wave.

The circumstances were Byzantine, but a bartenderess just asked for my number.

Saying "and step on it" produces no results in a real world cab.

Gave my nephew a fire truck. He said "this is not from toy story" and is now hitting me with a two by four.

Little known fact, I wooed my last girlfriend through paging. For the next, the telegraph. Eventually, Merlin-like, homing pigeons.