If you don't find me at all witty or engaging or interesting, it's probably because I'm attracted to you.

After about 45 minutes of me unsuccessfully attempting to teach my dad to use iTunes, the dog came over and said, "I think I got this."

Shoe size is only related to penis size if you're one of those dudes who wears shoes on your penis.

If you're adopted, you can't really date anyone without wondering just a little.

If you have a business, just add "and Gun Shop" to the name so you'll never get robbed. Charley's Friendship Bracelets and Gun Shop.

Ever have to start a song over in your car because you missed the best part during a moment of blinding road rage?

We should let baby horses ride around on adult horses so that when they grow up they understand why we like to ride them.

As long as it's going to be several weeks before I actually have to do it, I'll agree to pretty much anything.

I wrote a poem once, but I'm less annoying now.

I use every part of the chicken, not just the meat. For example, the bucket can be used as a hat. And the bones make perfect garbage.

I dream of a world where switching your phone into "airplane mode" has a more literal meaning.

I've always admired ants, because they can sneak into any concert for free.

Has Burger King ever explained how a burger monarchy is relevant in the modern political climate?

I'm a member of a gym in the same sense that I'm a member of society.

When I hit "snooze" for the sixth time, my bed should just transform into a coffin.

Just found out that Santa doesn't believe in me.

I have a skill for using 10 words in a situation where zero words would have been perfect.

I'm starting a website called Wit Trickle to showcase those of us on Twitter who are inconsistent.

READER CHALLENGE: If I reach 1,000 followers by tonight at 9 p.m. PT, I will donate $100 to my neighborhood liquor store.

I'm always looking for funny people to follow. On Twitter too, sure.