I like how everyone wants to 'help me', and yet no one will drive me to the liquor store.

This is 2013. Shave that bush.

In my defense, I ask everyone to take their pants off.

Sext: Just dropped a heart shaped deuce.

You say bad influence, I say come sit by me.

I will play your game, but I make the rules.

You gotta dig real deep in my TL to get to my good tweets. And a little to the left. And slower.

Fine, I'll make them cookies. Cuz I'm sure as FUCK not sharing those brownies.

I wish it was a nightmare... at least I'd be sleeping.

At least have the courtesy not to make direct eye contact with me after I was forced to evaluate your saggy ass goat balls.

Fuck this. I'm just gonna go to sleep and figure out where I am in the morning.

Just spent 20 mins explaining to the landscaper dudes that I'm a pretty big deal around here.
Diablo blanco perra means sexy lady, right?

I'm not anal, I'm vaginal.

She's more of a door prize than a party favor.

Look, if you aren't going to send hot EMTs, don't bother sending any at all.

Pigs should be eaten, not heard.

'Hahahahaha!!! And I wasn't even pregnant.' --me to myself, on every wedding anniversary.

Ovulation or yeast infection? THAT is the question.

Am I the only who gets Cee Lo Green and Cedric the Entertainer confused?

#FF @osno13 @pinchsuckblow
@suckonmyhonky @the_great_rsd
@myhairylife @ahoytheboat @eekingemu @weinerdog4life @gwatts77