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Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
A gay transgendered person who leaks U.S. military secrets -- Bradley Manning is like the final boss in a Republican videogame.
America's national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman's parents kill themselves.
“You’re still the president of this family, honey.” “Shut up, Ann.”
Scientists say men who drink beer daily reduce their risk of heart attack. As for livers, scientists said "fuck livers" and then high-fived.
1996: Tupac Shakur gunned down in feud with rival rapper. 2012: Chris Brown flees Twitter after being made fun of by a girl.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is going to Fox News, which will be a better use of her skills, such as "having a face" and "being wrong about things"
Glad they went with "Gravity" instead of the original title, "Grabbin' For Handles: The Movie."
"Hey I'm no rocket scientist." - North Korean rocket scientist
BREAKING: Kanye West Interrupts Kim Kardashian's Menstrual Cycle
I bet every time the Men's Warehouse guy gets into a no-rules street fight he says "You're not gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it."
Romney's new campaign slogan is "WAIT, DON'T CLICK ON ANY NEWS SITES"
I hope the royal baby comes out with red hair and Prince William chases Prince Harry around the hospital to the Benny Hill theme music.
It's so cold I stopped measuring temperature in degrees and started measuring it by how many times I yell Jesus Fucking Christ into my scarf
How do you tell someone you want to be less than friends?
Joe Paterno is the only person who ever got off light by dying of cancer.
You never see Michael Phelps's father in the stands because he is a dolphin.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Writer for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon. Previously at Nikki & Sara LIVE. Previouslyer at @Someecards, @HappyPlace, and Weekend Update.