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Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
“You’re still the president of this family, honey.” “Shut up, Ann.”
1996: Tupac Shakur gunned down in feud with rival rapper. 2012: Chris Brown flees Twitter after being made fun of by a girl.
Scientists say men who drink beer daily reduce their risk of heart attack. As for livers, scientists said "fuck livers" and then high-fived.
"Hey I'm no rocket scientist." - North Korean rocket scientist
BREAKING: Kanye West Interrupts Kim Kardashian's Menstrual Cycle
Romney's new campaign slogan is "WAIT, DON'T CLICK ON ANY NEWS SITES"
I bet every time the Men's Warehouse guy gets into a no-rules street fight he says "You're not gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it."
It's so cold I stopped measuring temperature in degrees and started measuring it by how many times I yell Jesus Fucking Christ into my scarf
Joe Paterno is the only person who ever got off light by dying of cancer.
You never see Michael Phelps's father in the stands because he is a dolphin.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have "evolved." Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Tonight, everyone in America knows what it's like to watch Mitt Romney haggle over a restaurant bill. #debate
Indiana Jones and the History Class Who Wants to Know Where The Fuck Their Teacher Has Been For Three Months
RIP, Roger Ebert. Michael Bay can't hurt you anymore.
"Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone's names again." - me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
"I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In" is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Earth Day is like throwing a birthday party for the friend you're slowly murdering.
Writer for Nikki & Sara LIVE. @Someecards, @HappyPlace, Weekend Update. One half of the popular comedy duo Chase Mitchell & His Increasingly Regretful Fiancee