oh cool i have like 3 hours till i need to be up for work what a dumb amount of time

You want to know how much money you can make. Me telling you how much money I make doing this does

HEY TORONTO SUBURBS! THE GUY YOU ELECTED WHO TALKED SO MUCH SHIT ABOUT ADDICTS ENDED UP BEING AN ADDICT! YOU'RE BAD AT VOTING!

HOORAY! Just got the copy edited pages of my Gatsby-inspired YA novel "Great" from the publisher! 263…  http://instagram.com/p/ZkL7I8qsnF/ 

OKC is "OKCupid", right? Because I feel bad for those people too.

Inspired by those who announce they're unfollowing me, spent evening phoning restaurants to tell them I wouldn't be dining there tonight.

@chasemit I was so about to tweet, "So mad at Helen Hunt right now". #greatminds #geniuses

@chasemit as an Oklahoman this made me laugh

@chasemit Thanks...us Okies need some humor right now

In 2002, George W. Bush waved to Stevie Wonder.

Wow. What a show tonight. Big thanks to our director and former Onassis alum @alexscordelis. ❤

why would i donate to the redcross when i already prayed for the tornado victims? i'll just think about them some more tonight before bed

Guys, please don't trade contact lenses with your friends while you're driving. It's not safe. Just wear your own until you're done driving.

Frank Sinatra: "Ol' Blue Stuff," "The Chairman of the Thing."

Remember when George Clooney gained weight in 2005 to film "Syriana"? Well I just now thought up "GORGE Clooney". It's never too late.

The majority of what I know on the subject of biology is taken from "Osmosis Jones."

These 'Man of Steel' commercials are giving me a something else of steel.

"Give me the Owen Wilson." - Owen Wilson, at the barber.

Lots of 'Acts of God' these days. Fuck you, God.

Please tell your friends to stop referring to me as "jizz dracula"