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"Guns don't kill people and spoons don't eat ice cream!" - NRA
"What if the princess WANTS to be with Boswer but Mario keeps kidnapping her?" - my 13yo.
I hope the government remembers to properly log off before it shut downs tonight.
"Ugh. Cyber Mondays." - Internet savvy Garfield
Dear servers at diners, everyone wants a booth. Always. Just get rid of tables. thanks.
I just committed suicide. April Fools! I'm doing it later today.
John Lennon wrote terrible Christmas music.
If I was Hitler, I'd have been working on a time machine so I could go back and make sure no one ever builds any time machines.
Miley Cyrus just eye-rolled Justin Bieber and I kind of think she's my favorite now.
When your child w/ #aspergers is acting out, it really is useless to shout "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ?" but it feels good anyways.
I keep writing Anderson Cooper Not Gay on all my checks.
I really hope the last Breaking Bad is the Halloween special and they all wear outlandish costumes.
A stay at home dad who tries each day to be a writer, podcaster, social media marketer, and house cleaner just well enough that his wife doesnt yell at him.