My son with autism just hugged me, let me kiss him and gave me the "Luv u" hand sign. This hardly ever happens. #goodmoment

“@pbandjenelley_1: I love when the inter kid comes out in me.”// probs happens often when you only have an "inter kid" level of education.

"What if the princess WANTS to be with Boswer but Mario keeps kidnapping her?" - my 13yo.

My son is feverishly working to pay respect to @pftompkins with a new Black Ops2 emblem. COD F. Tompkast? pic.twitter.com/d4NUUbYD

"Ugh. Cyber Mondays." - Internet savvy Garfield

@bryancranston can Heisenberg pay those 46 senators a visit?

I just committed suicide. April Fools! I'm doing it later today.

John Lennon wrote terrible Christmas music.

If I was Hitler, I'd have been working on a time machine so I could go back and make sure no one ever builds any time machines.

In Black Ops 2 what this suspect is doing is called camping. #noob

When your child w/ #aspergers is acting out, it really is useless to shout "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS ?" but it feels good anyways.

I keep writing Anderson Cooper Not Gay on all my checks.

@sarajbenincasa if somebody warns of salty language in a video I better see pirates in it.

RT: @chrisbrown Amsterdam, see ya tomorrow. // Amsterdam, get your domestic violence hotlines fully staffed - ASAP. #teamBreezy

"I would've gotten away with it too, if not for you meddling invisible kids!" - Old Man Joseph Kony. #stopkony

I envy Uncle Ruslan a little. I wish I could be in a press conference where I can call a couple of my relatives losers.

Hitler would have been way into @chrisbrown though.

@coolassmarvin watch that first step, ISA REAL MUHFUCKA.

EVERYBODY WRITING CHECKS: Remember, it is now 2012. You can all stop using checks.

BREAKING: Lady Gaga to wear Amy Winehouse at MTV VMA's