u ever think your phone's vibrating but then u wake up in a massage chair at ur local mall & this guy aaron's like are u okay & ur like no.

Friend asked if I was good at word scrambles, I was like you mean "rdwo mescarbsl?" You tell me Sharon

ppl always think I'm hitchhiking but I'm actually just giving drivers a thumbs up, great driving everyone.

When deciding between Quiznos or subway I always think what would Ben affleck do and then I make another movie about Boston

Men are from Bruno Mars, women are from Venus Williams. What is this

Fascinating how women with the largest engagement rings seem the most unloveable.

Whenever I stroll into a Ross I'm like "umm where's Rachel? or are you guys 'on a break'?" and everyone's like "lol good one u short bitch."

Just watched a woman gnaw on orange slices like 9/11 never happened.

Do Chinese people just call Chinatown, "town"? Or "us-town"?

Sneezed while brushing my teeth. Fucking disaster.

Sometimes a black woman's laugh is better than a miracle.

Remember when Mariah Carey was like "why you so obsessed with me?" and America was like wait what.

quick impresh of cindy crawford :i

No one deserved how good my hair looked tonight. Night.

first thing i do when i wake up is kiss my biceps.

When a waiter is shredding parmesan & says tell me when 2 stop I like 2 put my hand over theirs, look them in the eye & whisper never stop.

People walking up escalators: chill.

"I'm cold." - Every girl in the world.

Laying out by the pool: sipping a cool, refreshing lemonade, butterflies dancing by the lush flowers - stressed out of my FUCKING mind.

1982 called, i was like ummm wrong number.