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I’m laying in bed pretending to still be asleep so I don’t have to deal with my kids yet.
I’m not gonna be a grumpus tonight.
As long as you’ll all join me in a big fat
FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!
There is no greater joy in the world than having someone compliment you on your child.
It makes my heart smile ;)
When I text you a question, the correct answer is NOT:
I’ll call you in a few.
If I wanted to talk, I’d call you. Please kindly text back.
13 y/o just sang:
You’ve got the hot dog I’ve got the bun, come on boy let’s have some fun.
I should probably take beer to the pool today.
I just had to say to a child:
“don’t lick the baby”
Gonna be a long day here at the funny farm.
Thinking about those who have fought cancer and beat it and remembering those who lost the battle. Wishing for a cure
Well I guess I’ll make breakfast since these kids act like they need to eat every. single. day.
My house has been invaded by 13 y/o girls.
Forget the help. Send liquor.
Do you ever see a tweet retweeted over and over and every time you see it you think:
I don’t get it.
I was gonna change and look nice for this crap at my kids school tonight, but I decided these people might as well know the real me.
Drink. Drank. Drunk.
I’ll be entertaining you all with 7th grade humor today:
Scrotum scrotum little sack of skin, scrotum scrotum keeps my testes in.
You know THAT ONE MOM at your kids school? I fucking hate that one mom and have to see her bitch ass way too much this school year.
13 just got her iPhone taken away.
Get your disaster kits ready and open the storm cellars, the world is surely ending right………
Guys with teenage sons: please teach them to be respectful to girls. My daughter refuses to eat lunch at school because boys are such asses.
Hey guys......be the kind of man you'd want your daughter to fall in love with.
Teach your sons to do the same!!
I’ve said it before.
Do or say what you will to me, but fuck with my kids, game on.
You, hateful mom, would do well to remember that!
13 is currently trying to convince me she needs a baby sister.
Oh shit y’all…..I’m watching Children of the Corn with my kids.
We may never sleep again!!!