I hate auctions. A guy onstage speaks in tongues, the audience tries to look away, & whoever makes eye contact with him has to buy a boat.

I write the songs that make the whole bar drink. To blot out the memory of me singing.

Ain't no party like a blanket party cuz a blanket party is just a horrible assault, not a party at all, really.

God is not a football fan, silly people. He follows cricket and naught else.

"What's a trashy whore like you doing in a classy bar like this?" never fails to get their attention!

I could never act like the rest of you guys, cuz I never studied acting.

I self-medicate for bad news with tattoos.

Anyone know the trick to weebling and wobbling without falling down? Touch of vertigo, over here. Thanks.

Feeling out of sorts. Remind me to go sorts shopping later on.

Looters today got no appreciation for the finer things. These yobs are nicking boxes of cereal! Are fine electronics too heavy to carry?

I'm still amazed by Dunston Checks In. I mean, a MONKEY staying in a hotel? Those are for people! The whole thing was just outrageous.

I still have nightmares about polka music making a comeback.

I like to do shit. Like girls. Not shit girls. Well, sometimes. Usually.

The latest mornings are Sunday afternoons.

Girls, would you do something strange for some change? Or do you only use those skills for large denomination bills?

"Reach me!" "How to, Dougie?" -Rescuer tries to locate Doug the trapped mountain climber

Knives wear a wardrobe designed to impress. They always want to be seen as sharp dressers.

My pinkie glows, cuz my blinkers are so blinky blinky, no?

Rabble rouser? Me? Well, I do wear rabble trousers...

Any Friday off from work is a Good Friday if you ask me!