I went to church for the first time in 10 years.... Jesus hasn't aged a bit.

Before I had kids I never thought about killing anyone!

Can't believe Toys R Us closed down in the city. Now where am I to get my Nurf bullet refills? I have an inflatable family to protect.

I love that part on a woman between the left thigh and the right thigh....I believe THEY call it the Master Control Panel..

Doc said my sperm is so powerful if I don't jerk off once a day there'll be anarchy in my balls and they will try to impregnate each other

The only exercise my abs get is when I suck in my stomach.

In Australia we have $1 coins not $1 notes...the strippers at The Crazy Horse get nervous when they hear me come through the door jingling.

Are you dyslexic? NO? TEHN YUOR BRIAN SHUOLD INRTEPRET THSI JSUT FIEN..

My son farted in the car this morning and it was that bad I had to get three quotes to get new upholstery fitted.

Apparently you AREN'T allowed to slap someone elses kid in public if they're being an asshole!

I don't have a lot of followers because I am a LEADER.......Thanx Mum I feel better now.

If you ask my opinion I'd say you're a stupid cunt.......if you'd ask.

My wife wears the vagina in our relationship.

My son had to take a picture to school for his project 'Where Do I Come From'...I gave him a photo of my balls.

Just told a massive Bikie to go fuck himself.....In my mind.

I'm starting to take this "end of the world" shit serious...I just saw a nun blowing a traffic cop...granted it was on redtube.

Thanx for the RT's @big62john @cayhall , big shout out

Sorry for the whiplash.... I keep confusing G spot with G force and try too hard..

I didn't want to admit this, but what is favstar and do I need to sleep with it?

I don't read instructions..If I can't work something out just by looking at it I leave it alone......Yes I'm still a virgin.