Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second, but instead I am going to run over 100 times with the vacuum at different angles.

If you are proud of your follower count, know my 33yo brother lives with my parents, tweets ONLY about Star Trek & has over 8,000 followers

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.

I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

Stevie Wonder's housekeepers probably don't do a damn thing all day long.

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

My driver's license says I'm an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

Sure, you women *say* you don't need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

I think my dog might be gay because I bought him a doggy sweater and he keeps tying it around his shoulders.

Oh, I see now, Google+ is like a gym membership - everyone signs up for it, but no one actually uses it.

It's a little sad that today's youth don't get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

I don't know much about history, but I know Marco Polo was definitely the most annoying swimmer of all the famous explorers.

The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so no kid can escape.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

Ugly women are always accusing me of looking at their chest when in reality, I'm just trying not to look at their face

I couldn't give a crap who replaces J-Lo & Tyler on Idol. Unless, it's those two wise-cracking muppets in the balcony. I'd watch then.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."

The greatest gift I could ever receive for Teacher Appreciation Week would be for all the 6th graders to wear deodorant for a week straight.