shamrock shakes for my real friends, real rock shakes for my sham friends

if i am still alive on april 20th 2069 you better believe i am killing myself so i can have the most badass tombstone

.@mylittlepony please help my son likes my little pony no matter how hard i hit him

#prayforboston  http://i.imgur.com/egx1KKP.jpg 

why does this recipe call for cumin? I don't want anybody cumin in my food

#ChrisBrownPickupLines Are you an angel? You will be in a minute when I'm done beating you to death.

remember when everyone kept saying "winning" all the time? that was prob one of the lowest points in human history

yo @oralb does the B stand for Boner

my fav windows 98 screensaver was "Please Watch Me Walk Through My Eternal Brick Prison"

what if Beyoncé opened up an all female roofing company called All The Shingle Ladies

hey you idiots while you're all at chick-fil-a the gays are robbing your house #tcot #america #crimes #satan #gaymarraige #ChickFilA #shrek

this is a real thing. this is not ironic. http://t.co/7n9ygQjp

Hi welcome to false flags amusement park! *roller coaster crashes into tower 2 of the world trade center*

Thanks Siri http://t.co/iGR8E5yu

#FunFact 4/20 began as a day to observe the memories of the 420 people that die of weed each day in america #RIP

i like my women like i like my wireless routers - insecure

"Snap into a concrete median!" - Macho Man Randy Savage, 2011

who else remembers Swade  http://i.imgur.com/yhJ4o.jpg 

.@realcapncrunch please help!!!!!! my son was crunchitized now he's not breathing

Getting laid off ended a big chapter in my life. The 1st sentence of the next chapter reads: "I awoke at 3pm in time to catch Judge Judy."