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My dad is kinda old school in that I actually know who he is.
If you guys think there are a lot of jokes about sex on Twitter now, just wait until most of you have actually tried it.
I've answered fewer questions crossing a border with a vagina full of black tar heroin than I did watching Inception with my husband.
If you're thinking of getting a tattoo, just take a peek at your spouse and kids, you thought they were a good idea once too.
When the man you're dating asks how many men you've slept with, simply feign a coughing fit, excuse yourself and set the building on fire.
People who claim their favorite memory in life is the birth of their child have obviously never seen a monkey ride a Border Collie.
Trainer at the gym asked what my fitness goal is. I said I'd like to be able to open the package of batteries I bought before they expire
I've been cheating on you guys. Lately, I've been spending my time on my job and real life. They don't mean anything to me, I swear.
Ladies, if you want to know what marriage is like, picture your boyfriend bald and 20 lbs heavier with a recliner growing out of his ass.
Ok, you guys are either lying about your love of Star Wars or you're lying about having lots of sex cuz as we all know, you can't do both.
For those of you who live in a cave and missed the big news last night, let me bring you up to speed; I got a new IPHONE!
If you think alcoholism is a disease, just try calling in drunk to work.
Thanks to Favstar I have discovered not only am I not funny but since I can't get their link on my profile page, I'm stupid too.
I'm impressed how well the couples on Amazing Race get along. My husband and I have started divorce proceedings on a drive to 7-11.
Saying you are your kids' best friend, is the same as saying, "Look for my family in an upcoming season on Intervention."
I'm pretty sure the only prerequisite to becoming a successful psychic is the ability to keep a straight face.
The only thing that can be learned from watching The Learning Channel, is that fertility drugs are obviously WAY too effective.
Now remember everybody; if my husband asks, Twitter is a business networking site and you're all lesbians.
If you are homeschooling your kids because of 'bad influences' at school, you should really worry bout the 'crazy' influence at home.
The secret to raising a good dog is to treat them like dogs, not children. Ironically, this is the same secret for raising good children.
This probably won't end well for either of us.