If you've had sex with more girls than guys that means your NOT gay right?
My friend wants to know

I'm girlcotting all boycotts

Are you ugly? Be a comedian!

When they said I'm in a class all my own, they meant it
It was just me and professor disappointment

What a night @mixologyabc @littlelengies @sarahbolger @sircraigfrank @blakeleeblake @gingerthejester @alexiscarra pic.twitter.com/4C8HUkSJzO

Our show #Mixology got picked up and today they dropped the trailer!
 http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/mixology 
 http://www.facebook.com/MixologyABC 

Dude! You're getting Adele

Got Arrested with this guy today @batemanjason ... He was a terrible actor http://t.co/GcMLliPM

I want fat people to wear a shirt that says "fuck health"

Don't do drugs
Let them do you

OMG you guys @lenadunham is at my Starbucks...more like STARbucks #amiright? pic.twitter.com/vxUUJCyH

If Whitney Cummings is gonna pretend to be 30 forever, so am I

Humble Brag #firstfridaymarqueeforme #tipofthehat thanks @thecomedystore @ The Comedy Store http://t.co/ZW8qGXiI

Don't be a fucking hack and make jokes about Boston
#yourenotfunny

I'm headlining the @improvcomedyla
Improv on Friday at 8
Feat. @brookswheelan @nickrutherford @bradymatthews13 and @chrisdelia
Free Tix!

Chicago: girls smoke during the day here!

As a comedian, I know jokes will inevitably be told about what has happened today in CT from hack comics and it embarrasses me.

I love how porn stars act like real people on twitter

Pretty sure I have no idea what cranberry juice tastes like without vodka...

Couples pictures on Facebook say, "Hey everyone from my past! This is who I have sex with now! Cool right?!?!