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I just ate the biggest cupcake ever. Ok, it was a cake. Go to hell.
Why are the most ignorant always the most fertile?
Anyone who says they listen to country music because "the songs tell a good story" needs to be introduced to a fucking book.
I cut one of my toenails too short this morning so I’m riding around the supermarket in one of those motorized scooters.
I almost sat down on the shitter at work without my phone, then almost shit my pants going back to my desk to get it.
"Shhhh", I said, gently placing my index finger on my co-worker's lips. "I don't fucking care how your Easter went".
I saw myself, naked, in the mirror today and thought, "Goddamn! My wife won the Husband Lottery!". Seriously, though, I feel awful for her.
I wonder how long the handshake was when Michael J. Fox met Muhammad Ali.
If your name is Crystal or Dakota, then there was, most likely, a stack of old tires within arm's reach of your conception.
I accidentally made eye contact with a girl that worked at a kiosk at the mall today and ended up buying 47 iPhone cases.
A Bowie song came on and my co-worker asked who it was. I said, “David Bowie”. She said, “Who’s David Bowie”. I killed her with a stapler.
I was asked today, by a 33-year-old man, if girls pee out of their clits. I totally made fun of the idiot after I finished googling it.
A documentary about Morgan Freeman narrated by Mike Tyson.
If you take your kid to Starbucks, don't let them place the order for you. It's not cute. It holds up the line. I hate your kid.
I just spent the last 10 minutes filming my cat watching TV. Whoa! Back up, ladies! I'm married.
If anyone ever asks you if you’ve accepted Christ as your lord and savior, just say “In THIS economy?!” and walk away.
Somewhere in the world, a brave firefighter just rescued a baby from a burning building while I was laminating a picture of my cat.
The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I'm not sure they even know what they're doing anymore, you guys.
I don’t drink much or do any drugs, so my wife pretty much leaves me alone when it comes to my Yankee candles. My delicious Yankee candles.
Just smacked a New York Yankee cap off a baby in Target. I don’t play that shit.
I lost my virginity at an Elton John concert and now I can't get it up unless I can see in between your two front teeth. http://t.co/3oCQem4fGc