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  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I just ate the biggest cupcake ever. Ok, it was a cake. Go to hell.

    • 588
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeyKxngMomikewaldron115nanji2surfwestcoastwhitmomofguppiesNevikNova1978KittenWritten
    • 273
    • RETWEETS
    mikewaldron115nanji2surfNevikNova1978RicanInBostonZoeLightlyNinamoanTXCreep__MikeCanRant
    RadOrDie__
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    Why are the most ignorant always the most fertile?

    • 452
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeyWhoopdeedoo22ejmichaels1MeanMrMustacheFoxadelicdmkumar4NervesLergeflashember
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    ejmichaels1FoxadelicNervesLergelilSomni__________NE1C_JennBrowneyed_mamaheathecollinsrunawaycupcake
    Basstardy________Voiceofgarth
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    Anyone who says they listen to country music because "the songs tell a good story" needs to be introduced to a fucking book.

    • 417
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeyejmichaels1JaidenEverettFoxadelicWilljGeorgeflashemberNE1C_JennVodkaShorebird
    • 138
    • RETWEETS
    ejmichaels1FoxadelicBrowneyed_mamaReaders84HollyMemphiswork925play247nicola_edmondsTlaxBoy05
    swollenvoiceVoiceofgarth
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I cut one of my toenails too short this morning so I’m riding around the supermarket in one of those motorized scooters.

    • 369
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeyWhoopdeedoo22FoxadelicflashemberVodkaShorebirdFeelingMervisginasays43Browneyed_mama
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    Foxadelicginasays43Browneyed_mamaScorpionDongmahalo_nerdsTlaxBoy05tricia_aliasnettie0918
    RedJakiBlue
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    "Shhhh", I said, gently placing my index finger on my co-worker's lips. "I don't fucking care how your Easter went".

    • 330
    • FAVS
    goldenschauerranthony_101Curcellninabuttmonkeyejmichaels1FoxadelicWilljGeorgeVodkaShorebird
    • 122
    • RETWEETS
    AliButtfaceninabuttmonkeyejmichaels1FoxadelicWilljGeorgeVodkaShorebirdBrowneyed_mamaJohnnyNopolis
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I almost sat down on the shitter at work without my phone, then almost shit my pants going back to my desk to get it.

    • 336
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeyejmichaels1JaidenEverettFoxadelicVodkaShorebird_legsmahoneyScorpionDongIkea_Monkey_89
    • 113
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyejmichaels1FoxadelicBownuggetsStu_MonsterBigBagOfScumGermFab1cjcapbt
    DanTheSnick__RadOrDie__
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I saw myself, naked, in the mirror today and thought, "Goddamn! My wife won the Husband Lottery!". Seriously, though, I feel awful for her.

    • 346
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeyejmichaels1FoxadelicDenymesanityVodkaShorebirdmuse_me_againBrowneyed_mamaScorpionDong
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    ejmichaels1WULFDEANfavstar_historyBrowneyed_mamaStu_MonsterBigBagOfScumKarate_HorseFlushing_Nemo
    Karate_HorsemewritesgoodWhatsHerFace33
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I wonder how long the handshake was when Michael J. Fox met Muhammad Ali.

    • 307
    • FAVS
    FoxadelicVodkaShorebirdginasays43Browneyed_mamasarachasenHecklersDelight__rybobjones01__lgbk44
    • 125
    • RETWEETS
    Browneyed_mamarodtopiatims_tuckeredRidiculousSherirunawaycupcakejaredpricepatty_penisbreth6
    weinerdog4life
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    If your name is Crystal or Dakota, then there was, most likely, a stack of old tires within arm's reach of your conception.

    • 297
    • FAVS
    FoxadelicVodkaShorebirdTraceyVentureScorpionDongVictorSWintersHecklersDelight__AlliKat28KevinBuffalo
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    ScorpionDongkirstiehilton18dixiedarlin_RNRidiculousSherirunawaycupcakesokyshipnJenny4ashleyScigglez__________
    JayUhOh
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I accidentally made eye contact with a girl that worked at a kiosk at the mall today and ended up buying 47 iPhone cases.

    • 286
    • FAVS
    FoxadelicVodkaShorebirdginasays43_legsmahoneyScorpionDongJohnnyNopolisdebon7nettie0918
    • 94
    • RETWEETS
    ginasays43maskedvoyeurJay__ZimSuperman_IVlyt_seekerMarkOnThePlanetcjcapbtSCBamaMan
    discoken
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I was asked today, by a 33-year-old man, if girls pee out of their clits. I totally made fun of the idiot after I finished googling it.

    • 281
    • FAVS
    goldenschauerjaggedapeAlliePlaceanindoorplantwesley_greymonwadbrillejudasProf_Hinkley
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    jaggedapeninabuttmonkeyVodkaShorebirdQuantumJanekuusela34debon7btippp__Northside_Mike
    Twisted_Mettleeric10Fdaliamalektpurvis06
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    A Bowie song came on and my co-worker asked who it was. I said, “David Bowie”. She said, “Who’s David Bowie”. I killed her with a stapler.

    • 238
    • FAVS
    balloon_knottysomecleverthingVodkaShorebirdginasays43_legsmahoneyScorpionDongHollyMemphisJohnnyNopolis
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    balloon_knottysomecleverthingmadsgill_legsmahoneyJenny4ashleyVicFuture__collier46cjcapbt
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    If you take your kid to Starbucks, don't let them place the order for you. It's not cute. It holds up the line. I hate your kid.

    • 239
    • FAVS
    MaligntBenignranthony_101jaggedapecaitlyn_tannerninabuttmonkeyFoxadelicVodkaShorebird_legsmahoney
    • 95
    • RETWEETS
    jaggedapeninabuttmonkeyQuantumJanedebon7jaredpricetanner_waadeKarate_HorseCoconutCandyBar
    jergarl
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    A documentary about Morgan Freeman narrated by Mike Tyson.

    • 208
    • FAVS
    jimmykinkadeFoxadelic_mSAWausten_420AshleighVillersTrimpireLegendsomecleverthingkelter1
    • 122
    • RETWEETS
    FoxadelicAshleighVillerssomecleverthingVodkaShorebirdginasays43_legsmahoneymikefofficialemmaj_clare__
    weinerdog4lifediscoken
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I just spent the last 10 minutes filming my cat watching TV. Whoa! Back up, ladies! I'm married.

    • 232
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeysomecleverthingWilljGeorgeVodkaShorebirdginasays43ScorpionDongJohnnyNopolisnettie0918
    • 56
    • RETWEETS
    somecleverthingWilljGeorgeLZ_SteveHallflowerturdmiaowiebecabirdfreestuieSCBamaMan
    adamrunsfar
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    If anyone ever asks you if you’ve accepted Christ as your lord and savior, just say “In THIS economy?!” and walk away.

    • 192
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeyWilljGeorgemichaelbolt0nJimDemerayhyperbolladnewkingofmediamoinedeismeAnitaHelmet
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    newkingofmediaAnitaHelmetKiraToraXVodkaShorebirdstiffmacjiffDominicStrawBigBagOfScumCALI_G1RL
    siamonday
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    Somewhere in the world, a brave firefighter just rescued a baby from a burning building while I was laminating a picture of my cat.

    • 185
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeyFoxadelicWilljGeorgeVodkaShorebirdEh_Wicksomecleverthingtkcoltsfanginasays43
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    LuluLanternFishsomecleverthingtkcoltsfanginasays43nettie0918fullydeliriousEmpJNortonmoxieblogger
    junejuly12Overdue_Bills
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I'm not sure they even know what they're doing anymore, you guys.

    • 171
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeythebestmonkeyalexscarstenstpurvis06disc0danValChallahrat_bedBoredButPerky
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    GondavictorBuck852THEJaimeSantosTheJonnyRTeraNormalGenghis_DongZora_d_1991funTweeters
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I don’t drink much or do any drugs, so my wife pretty much leaves me alone when it comes to my Yankee candles. My delicious Yankee candles.

    • 194
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeyVodkaShorebirdginasays43ScorpionDongJohnnyNopolisnettie0918fullydeliriouscholesteroI
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyGreGooglyMooglySCBamaManalldrolledupRobocopLust______CarolCarmineBlack__Elvisalliejane_508
    kamiekaymee__McNarstle
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    Just smacked a New York Yankee cap off a baby in Target. I don’t play that shit.

    • 182
    • FAVS
    ninabuttmonkeyRunJennieRunWilljGeorgeCoitusEFlush____VodkaShorebirdsomecleverthingSlabBaconBPForbidInjustice
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    somecleverthinggrumpy_tortugakwebbbb11J_whoseNottaBigDealScorpionDongKimmieKnessRubyBottoms
@CheetohFace

@CheetohFace

I lost my virginity at an Elton John concert and now I can't get it up unless I can see in between your two front teeth. http://rippersmith.tumblr.com

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