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  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I just ate the biggest cupcake ever. Ok, it was a cake. Go to hell.

    • 564
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22FoxadelicTheDaddysgalSchlink_A_dinkAnonymous1040DigitalDropzkissangel03Past_Confused
    • 265
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyJsted62FoxadelicDarrellLoganBetrishxxkissangel03mstluvstrinketsiLuveleen
    RadOrDie
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    Why are the most ignorant always the most fertile?

    • 451
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22ejmichaels1MeanMrMustacheFoxadelicdmkumar4NervesLergeflashemberlilSomni__________
    • 180
    • RETWEETS
    ejmichaels1FoxadelicNervesLergelilSomni__________NE1C_JennBrowneyed_mamaheathecollinsrunawaycupcake
    Basstardy________Voiceofgarth
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    Anyone who says they listen to country music because "the songs tell a good story" needs to be introduced to a fucking book.

    • 416
    • FAVS
    ejmichaels1JaidenEverettFoxadelicWilljGeorgeflashemberNE1C_JennVodkaShorebirdFeelingMervis
    • 138
    • RETWEETS
    ejmichaels1FoxadelicBrowneyed_mamaReaders84HollyMemphiswork925play247nicola_edmondsTlaxBoy05
    swollenvoiceVoiceofgarth
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I cut one of my toenails too short this morning so I’m riding around the supermarket in one of those motorized scooters.

    • 368
    • FAVS
    Whoopdeedoo22FoxadelicflashemberVodkaShorebirdFeelingMervisginasays43Browneyed_mama_legsmahoney
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    Foxadelicginasays43Browneyed_mamaScorpionDongmahalo_nerdsTlaxBoy05tricia_aliasnettie0918
    RedJakiBlue
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I almost sat down on the shitter at work without my phone, then almost shit my pants going back to my desk to get it.

    • 335
    • FAVS
    ejmichaels1JaidenEverettFoxadelicVodkaShorebird_legsmahoneyScorpionDongIkea_Monkey_89JohnnyNopolis
    • 113
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyejmichaels1FoxadelicBownuggetsStu_MonsterBigBagOfScumchris1wernercjcapbt
    DanTheSnick__RadOrDie
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    "Shhhh", I said, gently placing my index finger on my co-worker's lips. "I don't fucking care how your Easter went".

    • 326
    • FAVS
    ejmichaels1FoxadelicWilljGeorgeVodkaShorebirdBrowneyed_mama_legsmahoneyScorpionDongRageMichelle
    • 120
    • RETWEETS
    ejmichaels1FoxadelicWilljGeorgeVodkaShorebirdBrowneyed_mamaJohnnyNopolisdebon7Bownuggets
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I saw myself, naked, in the mirror today and thought, "Goddamn! My wife won the Husband Lottery!". Seriously, though, I feel awful for her.

    • 345
    • FAVS
    ejmichaels1FoxadelicDenymesanityVodkaShorebirdmuse_me_againBrowneyed_mamaScorpionDongJohnnyNopolis
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    ejmichaels1WULFDEANfavstar_historyBrowneyed_mamaStu_MonsterBigBagOfScumrzaroscoFlushing_Nemo
    rzaroscomewritesgoodWhatsHerFace33
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I wonder how long the handshake was when Michael J. Fox met Muhammad Ali.

    • 307
    • FAVS
    FoxadelicVodkaShorebirdginasays43Browneyed_mamasarachasenHecklersDelight__rybobjones01__lgbk44
    • 125
    • RETWEETS
    Browneyed_mamarodtopiatims_tuckeredRidiculousSherirunawaycupcakejaredpricepatty_penisbreth6
    weinerdog4life
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    If your name is Crystal or Dakota, then there was, most likely, a stack of old tires within arm's reach of your conception.

    • 297
    • FAVS
    FoxadelicVodkaShorebirdTraceyVentureScorpionDongVictorSWintersHecklersDelight__AlliKat28KevinBuffalo
    • 90
    • RETWEETS
    ScorpionDongkirstiehilton18dixiedarlin_RNRidiculousSherirunawaycupcakesokyshipnJenny4ashleyScigglez__________
    JayUhOh
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I accidentally made eye contact with a girl that worked at a kiosk at the mall today and ended up buying 47 iPhone cases.

    • 286
    • FAVS
    FoxadelicVodkaShorebirdginasays43_legsmahoneyScorpionDongJohnnyNopolisdebon7nettie0918
    • 94
    • RETWEETS
    ginasays43maskedvoyeurJay__ZimSuperman_IVlyt_seekerMarkOnThePlanetcjcapbtSCBamaMan
    discoken
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    A Bowie song came on and my co-worker asked who it was. I said, “David Bowie”. She said, “Who’s David Bowie”. I killed her with a stapler.

    • 238
    • FAVS
    balloon_knottysomecleverthingVodkaShorebirdginasays43_legsmahoneyScorpionDongHollyMemphisJohnnyNopolis
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    balloon_knottysomecleverthingmadsgill_legsmahoneyJenny4ashleyVicFuturecollier46cjcapbt
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I was asked today, by a 33-year-old man, if girls pee out of their clits. I totally made fun of the idiot after I finished googling it.

    • 272
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebirdginasays43ScorpionDongEricBednerJohnnyNopolisdebon7jaredpricenettie0918
    • 79
    • RETWEETS
    VodkaShorebirdethergnosiskuusela34debon7btipppNorthside_MikeJenny4ashleychris1werner
    Twisted_Mettleeric10Fdaliamalektpurvis06
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    A documentary about Morgan Freeman narrated by Mike Tyson.

    • 208
    • FAVS
    Foxadelic_mSAWIVmurderVIAshleighVillersTrimpireLegendsomecleverthingkelter1VodkaShorebird
    • 122
    • RETWEETS
    FoxadelicAshleighVillerssomecleverthingVodkaShorebirdginasays43_legsmahoneymikefofficialemmaj_clare__
    weinerdog4lifediscoken
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    If you take your kid to Starbucks, don't let them place the order for you. It's not cute. It holds up the line. I hate your kid.

    • 234
    • FAVS
    FoxadelicVodkaShorebird_legsmahoneyScorpionDongwendyraepearceJohnnyNopolisevengengardebon7
    • 93
    • RETWEETS
    ethergnosisdebon7jaredpricedesponderrzaroscoCoconutCandyBarBlack__Elvis_JRawr
    jergarl
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I just spent the last 10 minutes filming my cat watching TV. Whoa! Back up, ladies! I'm married.

    • 231
    • FAVS
    somecleverthingWilljGeorgeVodkaShorebirdginasays43ScorpionDongJohnnyNopolisnettie0918fullydelirious
    • 56
    • RETWEETS
    somecleverthingWilljGeorgeLZ_SteveHallflowerturdmiaowiebecabirdfreestuieSCBamaMan
    adambation
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    If anyone ever asks you if you’ve accepted Christ as your lord and savior, just say “In THIS economy?!” and walk away.

    • 191
    • FAVS
    WilljGeorgemichaelbolt0nJimDemerayhyperbolladnewkingofmediamoinedeismeAnitaHelmetVodkaShorebird
    • 81
    • RETWEETS
    newkingofmediaAnitaHelmetMental_AlchemyVodkaShorebirdstiffmacjiffDominicStrawBigBagOfScumCALI_G1RL
    siamonday
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    Somewhere in the world, a brave firefighter just rescued a baby from a burning building while I was laminating a picture of my cat.

    • 184
    • FAVS
    FoxadelicWilljGeorgeVodkaShorebirdEh_Wicksomecleverthingtkcoltsfanginasays43ScorpionDong
    • 82
    • RETWEETS
    LuluLanternFishsomecleverthingtkcoltsfanginasays43nettie0918fullydeliriousEmpJNortonmoxieblogger
    junejuly12Overdue_Bills
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I'm not sure they even know what they're doing anymore, you guys.

    • 170
    • FAVS
    alexscarstenstpurvis06disc0danValChallahrat_bedBoredButPerkylawyerthoughtssjkoepp
    • 91
    • RETWEETS
    GondavictorBuck852THEJaimeSantosTheJonnyRTeraNormalGenghis_DongZora_d_1991funTweeters
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    I don’t drink much or do any drugs, so my wife pretty much leaves me alone when it comes to my Yankee candles. My delicious Yankee candles.

    • 193
    • FAVS
    VodkaShorebirdginasays43ScorpionDongJohnnyNopolisnettie0918fullydeliriouscholesteroILilCalamityJane
    • 57
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyGreGooglyMooglySCBamaManalldrolledupRobocopLust______CarolCarmineBlack__Elvisalliejane_508
    kamiekaymee__McNarstle
  • CheetohFace
      HammerFace© @CheetohFace

    Just smacked a New York Yankee cap off a baby in Target. I don’t play that shit.

    • 181
    • FAVS
    RunJennieRunWilljGeorgeCoitusEFlush____VodkaShorebirdsomecleverthingSlabBaconBPForbidInjusticeTripson8
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    somecleverthinggrumpy_tortugakwebbbb11J_whoseNottaBigDealScorpionDongKimmieKnessRubyBottoms
@CheetohFace

@CheetohFace

I lost my virginity at an Elton John concert and now I can't get it up unless I can see in between your two front teeth. http://rippersmith.tumblr.com