First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said "that's remarkable."

Sweetie, you're not shallow. You're empty.

That awkward moment when you realize you keep eating because dirty grandpa liked you skinny.

When buying condoms lube etc. The best answer to the cashier's "have a good night" is "oh I will." Bonus points if you try to high five him.

I've been told I'm bad at saying goodbye. I think it's because I pronounce it "fuck off and die."

I just saw a UPS truck speed out of a tunnel

now I have the strangest urge to take a shit.

I really want Marlee Marlin to be one of the choices on my GPS.

Say what you want about marriage but our sexting can turn into a grocery list and back into sexting without missing a beat.

Just remember, if you die in your sleep tonight she'll know exactly what's on your phone.

Mommy, why are you buying TWO bottles of wine? Did you know you put TWO bottles of wine in the cart? Mom. Mom. Mom, why is there THREE now?

Seriously. Fat babies make my teeth ache. I see those little rolls on their arm and I want to gnaw on it like an ear of corn.

Oh god I have a stocker. He keeps telling me he's gonna come over and refill my pantry.

I'm like fast food for Twitter. I offer low quality in mass quantities and I'm available late at night when everyone else shuts down.

I love being able to say anything here and find I'm not alone in the sentiment. Someone somewhere gets it.

My mom wore shiny spandex pants and stilettos throughout my childhood. You guys can't shock me.

Think I'll take a stab at running with some scissors.

Oh,and what kind of asshole uses a hashtag in a DM?

Flattery will get you everywhore.

Please do not face-fuck a cupcake at your desk in a professional work environment.

I'd certainly sleep better if my aunt hadn't taught me to never go to bed angry. I've been awake since 1996.