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I'm no expert, but wasn't the bread knife a better invention than sliced bread?
Tough decisions aren't difficult to make. Chewing on them is what fucks you over.
If you insist on hurting the people who love you, don't be surprised if they fade away. Love is blind, not retarded.
This isn't a battle of wits. It's a thumbwar, directed by Tarantino and set to the original music from The Care Bears.
When you wear your heart on your sleave, expect to bleed all over the pavement.
Woman's intuition? That's cute. I took a bunch of acid and now get messages straight from space.
Every time you type lol on the Internet, god deducts 100 Brownie points. Then I have to kill a puppy to validate his decision. Stop it.
If you really loved them you wouldn't follow them.
You guys are as random and depraved as they come. You're also pretty good at random acts of kindness and support. I fucking love you.
God probably won't strike you down. That's cool; I've got a tazer and am willing to do the Lord's work.
Parents' advice needs to be modernised. For example: If you don't have anything nice to say, say it on twitter and get stars for the effort.
Intelligence is underrated. It must have something to do with the number of people who can actually appreciate it.
Miracles and tragedies differ only in perspective.
I'm only 9455 followers away from 10000. You know what to do.
Jesus wants you for a sunbeam. What else would he use to power his heathen-frying magnifying glass?
Your Caps Lock key makes you look stupid. Stop it.
I tweet fiction and fact continuously. The trick is knowing the difference.
Quick! Bring me my battle pants. They're the sparkly ones I do the splits in...
Let's just drag sanity out into the street and shoot it.
For my next trick I'll take this big bag of drugs and flush it down the toilet. Then I'll help homeless people. Thanks for the follow, mom.
Illegal activities tweeted are fictional works in progress.