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If you put an empty 40 up to your ear, you can hear the ghetto.
Husband: I hate when my stars are stuck at 99.
Me: I hate when mine are stuck at 4.
In marriage, a sigh is just a polite way of swearing.
Asking a whore who just gave birth "so did the baby just fall out" isn't as funny as I thought. My sister isn't speaking to me now.
There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.
Dear assholes, I use twitter for sarcasm and exaggerations of my life. If you really can't understand that, hit unfollow please.
Strippers are going to be furious if the government replaces the dollar bill with a coin.
Phew. My dollar store pregnancy test showed a shot glass instead of a shotgun. I'm in the clear!
If Barbie and Ken get back together, I imagine their makeup sex will look exactly like how I made them do it when I was 7.
Had the in-laws over for dinner. They brought their own food.
Some call it cellulite. I call it skin cups for body shots.
Hubs: it got to 50 today.
Me: which tweet?
Hubs: I was talking about the temp.
I may need a break from twitter.
News report: Facebook helped people find a woman trapped under snow.
Twitter helped people make fun of her for being trapped under snow.
When my husband starts moaning in his sleep, I fart on him. I'm smart enough to know married men don't dream about their wives.
Someone who DM's me asking for boob pics will absolutely get them in return. Sure, they will be my grandma's, but beggers can't be choosers.
Girl Scouts are little bitches. I just bought 16 boxes of cookies from them, and all they did was stare at me with shame.
Never put dollar store batteries in your vibrator. It's like the power going out at the end of a suspenseful movie.
If you're a girl and you get a ticket for going 5-10 over the speed limit, you might want to think about plastic surgery.
I didn't like hubby's tone on the phone, so I did the most grown up thing I could do. Hung up on him and then texted him with "fuck you".
If you tell me not to use baby talk in front of your infant, then don't be pissed when I say "fuck" around her like she's an adult.
Cold ears. Jiggly. College dropout. Name dropper. Mrs.@Platinumshower