Hey yellow juice that comes out before the mustard even though I shaked the bottle; DIE!

Yes I am well aware the speed limit is 25mph but how can I hurt the tourists at that speed??

People that give Legos to kids as presents should be punished by being made to walk barefoot over them for 24 hours straight.

Ok it's kinda crazy when i start talking about the people I follow like I know them.

When do astronauts eat??? At launch!!!



Sorry 9yr old made me do it, and it's awesome!!!!!

There is nothing sadder than watching a dog poop in the rain.

Love my dad, brings me sandwich, I said but it's lent we need to eat fish it's Friday, his answer "fuck lent"...

The problem with hating people is that they are freaking everywhere!

This wine did nothing to take my feelings away....

Will run in heels for martinis!!!!

One of those days where there just isn't enough alcohol.

Between one guy blowing his nose and the other person eating potato chips I'm getting ready to cut my ears off.

I'm not passing out! I'm just taking a nap.

Co-worker is listening to country and singing along. Now I have to get drunk during lunch and adopt a dog..

Actual sign in Miami Beach. http://t.co/86Pkb2t8

Cheap wine while watching antique road show, cause wallowing in self pity is overrated.

I believe I have carpal twitter syndrome.

Another lonely night with my cats and my laundry.

Too bad you can't wash away sadness.

Tempted to take the bipolar test online, but look at my pretty shoes they make me happy...I hate people.