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It makes me feel better to know that at some point in history even a ninja's foot has fallen asleep and he's had to walk that shit off.
Dude: Can I have your number?
Me (holding phone): I don't have a phone.
Dude: I can see your phone.
Me: I can see your tribal tattoo.
Seize the day. By the throat.
Listening to Jay-Z has taught me literally everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search a person's car.
Put on yoga pants
The 8 phases of trying to put on jeans after a weekend binge.
I just made YOLO into a verb. I'm going to go ahead and hang myself now.
Relationship Status: I need someone to rake these leaves into a big pile so I can jump in 'em.
Ladies on FB: "Oh, that's so clever!"
Bitch stole that from Pinterest.
Ain't it funny how the night moves, when you just don't seem to have as much to lose? Strange how the night moves... with autumn closing in.
..."Two of them would be 'Do you have any weed?', bc you're Doug Benson."
Doug Benson: "And the third one would be 'Did you like Avatar?'"
I still think Judith is a shit baby name, Carl.
It's Monday. Just remember, guys: you can do it. Put your ass into it.
“Sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whiskey & drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind but falling in love & not getting arrested.” -Hunter Thompson