Cuntsequences: The blowback after being a spectacular bitch.

If they were real super market employees, they would be wearing capes.

This new deodorant is "motion activated". We may have a problem.

Once everyone is finally diagnosed with a mental illness, it will all be irrelevant and we can go back to just being weird again.

Realized today that going to the dentist is just like going to the gynecologist only upside-down.

You call it a bra, I call it a catcher's mitt. Helloooo, muffin crumbs.

I am not loud and clumsy. It's called echolocation, jerk.

It's a special day when the outside temperature is nearly as cold as my heart.

"I thought your family was super religious."

"Nope. Just judgmental."

"Huh."

I meant to wear my cloak of invisibility, but I grabbed inevitability instead. This explains the photos.

It's time to put on my tube top and heels to go check that thumping noise in the basement. BRB.

You'd like to have a one-sided relationship? No problem. I'll be over here while you go fuck yourself.

Night comes early now, just like my ex.

The problem with buying drugs from squirrels is they forget where they bury them.

"Will you taste this milk? It smells rotten to me." That's what marriage is all about, folks.

Sometimes all you need is to be reminded that someone else thinks you can do it.

When I think about you I star myself.

I'd like ranch dressing better if the belt buckles weren't so fucking heavy.

I'm the girl your mother bored you about.

Something about Tom Cruise makes me want to kick him to his home planet.